A freeverse and quite possibly pathetically sappy open letter to my husband…

Can you believe it’s been a year?

I love you so much, and I don’t say it as often as I should. I try, instead, to show you how I love you through my actions, through those small grasps on your thumb that you get amused by, or the gentle squeezes once in a while, doing household chores, or through chili and turkey and other food experiments that seem to be successful. You eat them, anyway... so if they are truly awful, I'm glad you're not brusing my cooking trial too much. :)

You make me feel like the luckiest woman on Earth, Erich. Knowing that at the end of difficult days I’ll be returning to a home that’s loving and secure and, messes aside, a completely healthy relationship is something I know not all women (or men) get to experience. I know I’m far from perfect as a human being, yet you’re always telling me that within our little family circle, I am. (I still don’t believe you, of course… but I think that’s mostly to prevent myself from getting an overinflated ego).

And actually, I think I am the luckiest woman on Earth. I have you.

You remind me to laugh at myself, you encourage me to always improve myself, and you watch amusingly as I go through fandom addictions just like I am amused at yours. We’re so frighteningly alike in so many ways, yet different enough that we can challenge and complement each other. I hope that I am as good a wife to you as you are a husband to me.

While growing up, I was convinced that I’d never find someone because I was just so geeky and atypical. I never was into the girly stuff at all – no Barbies, hated makeup, could care less about fashion or hairstyles, despised all of the fangirl b.s. (for the most part, anyway). I preferred sci-fi, computers, dirt bikes, losing myself in books and scraping my knees as I went exploring the sandstone cliffs near the house. And even now, as you know, I’m not all that keen on being girly most of the time. To find a guy that not only tolerates that but loves so many of the things that I enjoy – I am truly blessed.

Happy first anniversary, hon. I love you and am thankful every day that we’re together.

When Geeks Get Married: Wedding Recap, Pt. 2

The Kiss!!
Originally uploaded by measi.

The drive down to Bristol was prettier than I remembered it being. Granted, it was an absolutely amazing day - crystal clear sky, no humidity, everything bright and cheerful and just out of a postcard. We arrived at the farm just after 5 - not long after the groomsmen did. As I saw kilts moving across the opposite end of the field, I quickly scooted over to the cocktail hour cabin to hide from Erich (given that I was a bit obvious wearing white and all). We gushed over the beautiful bouquets my florist had created (all I'd given her were the colors I'd prefer - I was amazed... but more on that in a little while). We stood on the deck and admired the view, took a few pictures, and just relaxed until it was time.

Through all of this, I was feeling very calm. Oddly calm. As in "I'm here to witness someone else getting married" calm.

But then we lined up to make the walk up the aisle. And then the music started - Storybook Love from The Princess Bride, and we started walking - my dad on one side of me, and my mom on the other. And my brain just shut down. I barely remember seeing people along the aisle. My knees were shaking, and my anxiety was blown full open, and all I could do to keep moving was stare at Erich (who was beaming back at me). I know I gave my dad a kiss, and then everything began.

And it was a swirl of words. Our friend Tony had hand-written the entire ceremony we'd emailed him the week before into a beautiful little journal (which he presented to us later). All I could do was smile at Erich. I'm very thankful that I knew I'd never remember my vows if I'd decided to memorize them. As it was, I started repeating them early because of my nerves (getting a chuckle out of everyone). That, oddly enough, was what finally calmed me down.

But for those curious, here's our little wedding ceremony, in its entirety:

Tony: Welcome. We are gathered here today on this beautiful fall evening to witness the joining of Melissa and Erich in marriage. Melissa and Erich, have you both come here willingly?

Us: (together) Yes.

Tony: Today is a celebration not of a beginning, but of a bond that already exists between you. In many ways, your lives are already joined. Today you declare your intention to make this joining deliberate and permanent.

Tony: (to the guests) Melissa and Erich desire to be united in marriage surrounded by you, their friends and family. All of y9ou are here because you have played some part in bringing Melissa and Erich to this moment. Let us all remember those who cannot be here today, but who are with us in spirit always: Melissa's grandmother Mary, Erich's grandmother Miriam, Erich's grandfather Norman, and especially Erich's mother Deborah.

Tony: Melissa and Erich have chosen as a couple to perform a box, wine and love letter ceremony. This box contains a bottle of wine, two glasses, and a love letter from each to the other The letters describe the good qualities they find in one another, the reasons they fell in love, and their reasons for choosing to marry. The letters are sealed in individual envelopes, and they have not seen what the other has written.

Tony: (to us) Should you ever find your marriage enduring serious hardships, you are to, as a couple, open this box, sit and drink wine together, then separate and read the letters you wrote to one another when you were united as a couple. By reading these love letters, you will reflect upon the reasons you fell in love and chose to marry each other here today. The hope is, however, that you will never have a reason to open this box. And if this is the case, you are to open this box to share and enjoy on your ten year anniversary! Melissa and Erich, please seal the box.

Tony: (to me) Melissa, please repeat after me.
I, Melissa, take you Erich, to be my husband - my best friend, my partner in life, and my one true love. I give to you, in the presence of these witnesses, my pledge to stay by your side as your wife in sickness and health, in joy and sorrow, as well as through the good time and the bad. I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve all of your goals, laugh with you and cry with you, grow with you in mind and spirit, always be open and honest with you, and cherish you forever.

Tony: (to Erich) Erich, please repeat after me.
I, Erich, take you Melissa, to be my wife - my best friend, my partner in life, and my one true love. I give to you, in the presence of these witnesses, my pledge to stay by your side as your husband in sickness and health, in joy and sorrow, as well as through the good time and the bad. I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve all of your goals, laugh with you and cry with you, grow with you in mind and spirit, always be open and honest with you, and cherish you forever.

Tony: (to Elizabeth, our ringbearer) May I have the rings?
(to us) Melissa and Erich, I invite you now to exchange your rings as a symbol of the vows you've just spoken.

Erich: (to me) Take this ring as a symbol of my love, as this ring has no beginning and no end, as is my love for you.

Me: (to Erich) Take this ring as a symbol of my love, as this ring has no beginning and no end, as is my love for you.

Tony: And now, by the power vested in me by the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, I now pronounce you Man and Wife. And in the immortal words of Mel Brooks, "Good! You're married! Kiss her!"

(we kiss)

Tony: And I present to you for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Erich and Melissa Krueger!


We bounced away down the aisle to the Monkee's I'm a Believer (because really... it practically was written for the two of us, recent Shrek usage aside). And as we got halfway across the lawn, I finally exclaimed "Holy shit we're married!" Much to the amusement of those who were in earshot, of course. I specifically remember Michelle cracking up.

Now, here I'll stop for a moment and gush about my bouquet - because it was absolutely perfect. Everything was in deep reds - a center Calla lily, with four of those beautiful deep red (with almost a purplish edge) roses, a blend of seasonal mums, all surrounded by reddish-purple (!) hydrangeas. No filler in any of the bouquets - all were full of flowers! Melinda hung mine up to dry afterwards, and it will take a carefully guarded place behind glass here in my office as shelf decor where the cats can't get to it. :)

Everyone went off to the cocktail hour, while Erich and I were off for formal photo shoots with our bridal party and parents. There's one particular shot that I'm looking forward to seeing from our photographer - the Scots on a Rock shot (with all of the kilted men in a row on the rock). We have lots of shoes pictures and hopefully a good chunk of silly pictures as well. I was laughing for the better part of the rest of the night. :)

The two of us opened the clambake at 7 by ringing a big dinner bell hung on the side of the tent, and our amazing caterer had everyone gather round the big cooking pit to describe how everything was done - over rocks and seaweed and steaming. And then we were introduced, went into our first dance (which revealed to everyone how Erich and I just do not dance) to In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel, and then we sat down for two beautiful toasts by Tone (best man) and Melinda (maid of honor). After that - the feast of clams, mussels, lobster, johnnycake bread, smoked codfish, sausages, corn on the cob, and potatoes commenced.

Oh yes, we feasted. And it was all good.

The dance floor opened, and as expected, there was no need to encourage this crowd to get up and dance. We received a bunch of compliments all evening regarding our DJ, who played a fantastic mix of classic standards and more modern dance songs to keep everybody moving. The floor was jumping all night. :) I danced a bit toward the end of the evening, but for most of the night both Erich and I were flitting around talking to people (as. IMHO, all good bridal couples should do at their receptions). Between the two of us, I don't think we missed anybody - but I'll be dropping everyone a note in the mail over the next few weeks anyway just to make sure.

Dad and I then danced to the song he selected - which is one of my lifelong favorites... What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong. My dad, ever being my dad, was singing and being a bit goofy as we danced. It was perfect and very us. :)

Our cake was soooo delicious. We picked a vanilla cake with strawberry and whipped cream filler layers, all covered with buttercream frosting. Oh, god it was delicious. We did our cake cutting to Love and Marriage by Frank Sinatra (famous for being the theme song for Married with Children... as soon as it was recognized, we got a LOT of laughs). We were both well-behaved. No cake smooshing here!

After that, it was lots of dancing until around 10:30, when everything had to wrap up. The final dance of the night was, as tradition for me since high school, The Dance by Garth Brooks. I've had a few people ask why I picked a song about breakups (both in person and livejournal), so I feel the need to explain this one a bit. First - it was always the last dance of the night for every formal dance in high school (of which there were many... because we had nothing else to do). And also, it's never been a song about breakups to me - it's been a song about accepting the hardships in your past and embracing them as lessons that carry you into the unknown - and hopefully brighter - future - very fitting for Erich and I, considering our lives during this past year. The entire song is summed up to me in these lines - "Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance."

Your viewpoint may vary, of course... but yeah, that's my take on it. And it's just a pretty song.

As the music died down, the group of Tau Beta Sigma sisters still in attendance carried on the Boston University pep band tradition, starting up a rousing round of "Hey Baby" to end the night. My dad was highly amused (having watched the BU band in action a few tims), and many of the other relatives looked on impressed. And then all of the Sisters gathered together, and we sang the TBS National Hymn (with harmony, even!) It's the first time I can recall ever singing it outside of a sisters-only event. Absolutely tickled me. I hope it becomes a tradition at all future Sister weddings. Really, truly. Needs. to. happen.

And then we all said goodbye - hugging everyone as they went off to their cars or back to the vans. Erich and I got into the Bentley and were whisked away to our hotel for the night...

where we collasped in bed, reading our guestbook pages and absently watching Crocodile Dundee on the midnight movie for about an hour before passing out.

It was an absolutely amazing day. Neither of us could have asked for better - we know that Erich's mom was looking out for us by giving us the beautiful weather. And we're still bopping around the house in amazement that we pulled this wedding together!

Thus ends the recap... but for all of the photos added to the photoshare to date, pop over here: http://www.flickr.com/groups/melanderich/

:)

Yay!

When Geeks Get Married: Wedding Recap, pt. 1

Mel and Erich
Originally uploaded by measi.

Four days later, I’m still swirling through everything that happened this weekend and just keep looking at it in awe. Seriously – I cannot believe everything went so well. Nor can Erich, for that matter. After months and months of planning, frustration, and unexpected hardships – the entire weekend went without a hitch. Well, except for the hitching that was meant to happen. That hitching went as intended!

So sit back with a cuppa – because it was a long, busy weekend full of fun and insanity. Lots to tell.

If I were to give one piece of advice to an upcoming bride who is planning her wedding on her own, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to choose bridesmaids that can help you with delegated planning and provide you emotional support as needed through everything. I would never have gotten through it all if I hadn’t had Melinda, Ivanna, and Maria by my side. Whether finding resources for vendors (photos and hair especially) or just providing emotional calming or hugs , all three were incredibly helpful.

The weekend festivities kicked off on Friday with a girls’ day out and my bachelorette party. Morning full-body massages, followed by lunch at the pub, followed by manicures and pedicures. I desperately needed that massage – it turned out that Ivanna found a holistic massage place only about a mile from my house! (yay… somewhere to go back to!) Quite heavenly. I was very worried about having my nails done – being the tomboy geek that I am, I’d never had my nails professionally done in my life. No idea what to expect. The result is very pretty. It looks very strange to me to have fingernails, as I am a chronic biter. I’m still wearing them, although I find it fairly difficult to do things and really do miss having sensation in my fingertips when I touch things. I think the lack of touch sensation is probably the most disconcerting. But at least for big events, I know I can do this. And Erich really likes them - so for now, I'll deal. :)

The bachelorette party was a very wild evening at the house. There were nine of us present, and the evening was full of fun but very silly games like “pin the penis on the man” (John and Rodney nicknamed the guy on the poster “sad boy” and gave him some chest hair with a sharpie). We had a penis piñata, a yummy cake from Sweet and Nasty cake shop in Boston, and after everything else – a crazy round of karaoke on my wall on the X-Box. One of the funnier events (that I’m comfortable sharing photos of, anyway) was Fizzy grabbing one of the penis whistles from the piñata horde and whapping it around the dining room. She managed to pick it up in her paws and lick it – sending the entire party to the floor laughing.

Saturday was the Unrehearsal Dinner in my backyard. We had 40 people over – family, friends, and the wedding party. It was the first time all of my relatives had seen my house – and so many people loved it. I was thrilled! We had tons of good food for everyone – lots of family favorites from both families were blended. So we had ribs and potato salad and chili mixed with pierogi and galumpkies, plus desserts and the obligatory shots of celebratory vodka. A good time was had by all with chatting well into the evening.


And then Sunday arrived with a brilliant blue sky.

I spent the first hour of my wedding day sprawled out on my bed, staring out the window at the trees, not really thinking about anything in particular - but making sure that I didn't allow myself to fall into the "omgimgettingmarriedtoday" freaking out that easily could have taken place. I was oddly calm. It felt like just another day.

By 11 a.m., the girls and I were on our way to Providence Place, where I popped over to the Laura Mercier counter at Nordstrom. Maria popped over to the MAC counter, and both of us got our faces put on. :) By noon, we were on our way over to my mom's hotel where we all got our hair done by my wonderful new hairstylist, Lynda. My photographer, Michelle, arrived at two and was just everywhere, taking fun pictures and laughing over the scrapboook that the girls had already put together of the Friday festivities.

3:30 p.m. came, and it was time for me to start getting ready. With my mom watching, Melinda helped me get into my dress in about 15 minutes. Back to the secondary room for some quick final touches on the hair, add a veil and tiara, plus a bit more lipstick, and I was ready to go.

I walked down the hall to find most of my family standing in the lobby, waiting to board the limo and shuttle bus we'd rented (dark windy roads + unfamiliar drivers + open bar at wedding is not a good mix).

And that's when the nerves hit. All of a sudden, reality just slammed me and I got all fluttery. Everyone boarded the transportation. Mom, Dad, and I got into the '57 Bentley, and off we went toward Mount Hope Farm.

Part 2 coming soon... just typing it now!

We have success!

Holy crap I'm married! :)

More details will come later... BUT... it went beautifully. Amazing weather, fabulous food, fantastic guests - it was an amazing evening.

I'm farking EXHAUSTED. So the longer recap will come probably Wednesday or so. Our last guests are leaving tomorrow, and Erich will be filling the house with the sounds of Halo 3 (he's out buying it now)... so I need some recoup time first.

But yeah... so weird. :)


Oh, and for my friends/familly who read my blog and who came? I've set up a Flickr group for photosharing... Please friend http://www.flickr.com/groups/melanderich/ and send your photos.. 'cause I'd love to make a real blog announcement 'n stuff.

heading to bed now...

- the old married lady

*shying away from calendar*

So…

Ten days out now.

My mom will be here in less than a week.

Things are moving along quite well, actually. It’s been weird to see things falling into place after months of frustration, freaking out, and stress. Barring any last minute complete panic issues, I think we’re in relatively good shape.

I've made my final order to the caterer. Dropped my dress off at David's to be pressed/steamed and made sure to make the pick-up appointment for when 's dress is ready next Wednesday. Contacted the local Maids office for Rhode Island to see about having them come out to do a final cleaning of our house. Erich contacted the guys who came out to prune trees earlier this year regarding yard cleanup. And we've just been doing some bits and bobs that need to be done.

Things that have kind of fallen by the wayside:
- a garter. I'm not tossing one, so really I don't need one. David's doesn't carry plus-sized ones. If I find one at Michael's or JoAnns, great. Otherwise, eh.
- a memory box/letter box for cards. It's my mom's new fixation point that she keeps asking about. So... fine. When she's up next week, we'll go get one at Michaels or JoAnns.

I'm still waiting on my dad to get back to me with our father-daughter song (I'll be calling him tonight if I don't hear from him). Erich and I need to get in touch with our friend who's marrying us so we can review what we're doing. Our actual vows ARE written, but the ceremony isn't quite hashed out. Not that it's going to be long, of course. But we definitely will need to discuss it with the rest of the wedding party, too.

And we need to get the rest of the upstairs cleaned up - get rid of the stuff in boxes and put my bookshelves back together. I need Erich's help on this solely because I have absolutely no spacial relations ability at all, and he seems to get bookshelves whipped into shape very quickly.

But yeah... almost there.

*crosses fingers*

My biggest worry at this point is just fatigue. It’s not really the insanity of getting things done, but how I’ll hold up over days of celebrations:

Thursday, all day – “The Old Lady Day” (coined by my mom, not me). Spending time with Mom & my adopted aunts, doing the lingerie shopping, hopefully having some good, strong drinks.

Friday, all day – “The Girly Day” Spending the day with my bridesmaids doing spa stuff and getting spoiled, followed by my bachelorette party in the evening.

Saturday – Unrehearsal BBQ dinner at the house, 4 p.m. “until”

Sunday – The wedding

I’m very glad we’re taking the full week off afterward. I imagine it’ll be Thursday the 27th before I feel like myself again.

The weekend, and the future

14 days. Eep!

The bachelor party was easily survived. I, as planned, spent most of my evening on the couch. I did not, as planned, get anything else done. My brain needed a complete break from all things wedding last night, and so that's what I did. I just shut off the phone, took a break, and had a very needed evening to myself.

The unedited Graham Norton episode had me laughing so hard that I went into a coughing fit (and had to stop watching it for a while). Funny stuff. Sometime around 11:30 or so, I threw in my Blackpool DVD and settled down, fell asleep somewhere into episode 1, and woke up when the guys came home - right as the scene in Funny Girls starts. :)

Erich and the guys returned just a bit after 2 a.m., and amazingly, the party broke up immediately- apparently the guys were just exhausted on the bus on the way back from Foxwoods (and most had sobered up by that time). I guess this is the sign of a bachelor party when the guys are mostly in their 30s! Most of the guys went home. I ended up with only Matt, Jason, and Erich's Dad crashing out at our house.

Got up this morning, had coffee and breakfast, and then just relaxed for a while. Some of the guys came back over to watch the Pats game, play board games, and just hang out and plan out characters for Erich's new d20 game he'll be kicking off at some point.

The last folks left around 7:30. Erich and I have just been relaxing since then - I have some laundry going, but otherwise, we're chilling out. We got a LOT of housework done. Other than the kitchen, the entire downstairs is put together and ready for family to see it. The upstairs just needs some work done in my office, and then we'll be good to go.

One very productive thing for today? We bought our full membership to the Royal Shakespeare Company. So as soon as tickets go on sale online for Hamlet? Oh yes, we shall purchase. :)

Reality

Last night, I drove back to Boston after a weekend of couch-lounging, storage box sorting, and general slackerdom.

I dropped her off, and then headed back to Cleveland Circle in Brookline to grab a dinner burrito at Boloco. (because I don't eat there enough during my workweek already). Munched it down, gave Erich a call on my cell, checked my messages (one from from Friday... *sigh* no, I'm horrid with my cell phone), texted her back, cranked my "dance mix" on my iPod, and started to head home.

By taking a right back onto Chestnut Hill Ave, and then a right onto Comm Ave.

No idea why - but that just felt like the right way. Okay. I recognize those weird little "don't know why..." thoughts, and entertained them.

Windows down, music thumping, I drove my way down Comm Ave - swinging by the old apartment on Egremont. Then I continued back down Comm Ave., passing by Hamilton House Hell - now private apartments instead of a BU dorm. Through campus- where life was VERY active with the students who had just returned this weekend. Then by Warren Towers, where I spent two odd dorm years. Through Kenmore Square, which looks nothing like it did when I was a student. Down through the back swing of the Fenway, to St. Botolph Street, to the dead end street, and I stopped...

Got out of the car, and looked up at The Beast for just a bit.

The lights weren't on, but there are colorful drapes in the windows. And there was a cat, resembling how Colley would sprawl, enjoying the beautiful evening weather in the kitchenette window.

And that's where I lost it. Really, honest to god lost it. I sat on the wall where I'd brought Colley so many times to explore outside, and released them.

Holy crap, I'm getting married. Three weeks from today, I will be married, starting a new life (which isn't much different than my current life, yet I know it'll be entirely different). The crying, the depression, the loneliness, the thoughts of ending everything in that one room apartment - all in the past. So far in the past, so foreign.

If you'd asked me seven, eight, nine years ago that I'd have sat there last night, staring up at that three-windowed apartment with a little fear, a little melancholy, a little pride, and then a really fucking huge smile, I'd have laughed insanely at you and told you off. I was the one who would never find someone. I was doomed to be a miserable nerd loner for the rest of my life.

It's a bit overwhelming, honestly.

O. M. F. G.

I am getting married exactly one month from today.


(wherethehelldidthistwoyearsandninemonthengagementgo?!?)


*squeeks*



*panics*



*hides under comforter*

Preventative Sick Day

So... on Day Three of the unexplained cough from nowhere, I decided to stay home to tend to this thing. It kept me up for the better half of the night. Lots of tossing and turning. Bleh.

The thing is, I have a long and annoying history with bronchitis that lasts for months. Not weeks... months. My dad used to drug me up on codeine to try to calm the cough, and THAT wouldn't do it. So when I start getting a random cough that's predominantly dry and hacking, I start getting a bit paranoid. Especially when I'm in the very plausible "I could still be dealing with this late September" range.

I'm not a hypochondriac by any means - except when it comes to bronchitis. I've had enough days of lying on the couch winded with bruised lungs from pain in the past, thanks. I'll be overly cautious here. The kicker is that other than feeling drained from all the coughing, I feel okay. My sinuses are clear. I've had a couple small bouts of fever here and there, I think. But I just SOUND bad. Bad enough that I was getting some annoyed "god, stay home if you have the plague" looks on the train last night.

*sigh* So yeah, preventative sick day.

So after sleeping an extra hour this morning, I came back downstairs to my still delightfully warm cup of hot coffee, and flipped on the TV. Ooh... X-Files. Sick day with X-Files on SciFi. I can do this. Oh, but it's the damn Chupa-thingy episode. *sigh* Why is it always the crappy episodes that show on sick days?

Dammit.

Still, it's being filtered with a ton of ads for Doctor Who tomorrow night. At least I know the show's actually being advertised now. ;)

In any case, while I will be resting, I'll make the day somewhat productive too. The key is to do stuff that won't require me to be physically active, because that's when I really start to cough. So it's a day where I find things that can be done sitting down. I have a ton of various paper to get through & shred (old bills, etc.) that can be done easily while I stay relatively still. And since Victory over Japan Day on Monday has delayed our trash pickup until tomorrow, I can get it into recycling immediately.

I'm going to push to finish something for the Anywhere but Cardiff ficathon so I can send it to beta. Anyone available for some draft reading this weekend if I get it to you? I figure if I at least get the first portion of it posted for the ficathon, I'll be happy. But I am really going to push to finish it so it doesn't become another floating unfinished WiP.

Soniced_Up sent me Chapter 3 of her fic to beta. I'll most likely work on that today so I can turn it right back around. by the weekend. She has an interesting idea going for her ficathon piece, IMHO. I'm interested to see where it's going.

---

Thanks to everyone who replied to me about my wedding ranting yesterday (mostly over on LJ). I do appreciate it, and I'm relieved to hear that while I may be a bit whiney and crabby about all of this, I'm not being a bridezilla. I haven't replied to everyone basically because I got busy yesterday, and then last night was just drained due to this cough. But I do need to get back to people's comments all over the place now.

Erich has been doing an awesome job of tracking down our missing RSVPs. He's whittled the list down by about half already. As of last count, I think he said we have about 20 more people to track down for answers. Which is awesome, because between the two of us we have about a half-dozen people who have become bigger parts of our lives since the original invite list was put together, and we want to have the room to invite them. AND... my aunt asked yesterday if my cousin can bring her boyfriend (which I said I'd get back to her on, depending on what the headcount is).

Now I just need my parents to return my calls so we can get the transportation issues solved - and in my dad's case, hear from him on my proposed father-daughter song so I can get the list to the DJ and strike THAT off my list.

I may whine about this wedding planning, but I am still plodding along. Slowly but surely.

Today, just a bit slower than other days. :P

T-minus 40 days

In bed last night, Erich turned to me and said point blank, "We're getting married in 40 days."

And my stomach flipped over. Both in excitement and dread.

Mostly in dread.

I'm getting really sick of the dread. I'm getting married. I should be happy. I should be all girly and giggly and bouncing.

And I'm not. Instead, I'm angry and crazy and absolutely bone-numblingly exhausted. I've gone beyond the point of exhaustion and frustration with everything where I could allow myself a good cry to let things out (been there, done that... like, a dozen times. It doesn't help).






And I feel really, really guilty for it. Because it's making me kick myself and question whether I'm being selfish or unappreciative that my parents are essentially paying for 90% of this shindig and becoming the bridezilla that I vowed I would. not. become.

And on top of everything, the stress and frustration has now been developing into somatic symptoms - I've had intestinal issues for over three weeks. Two days ago I developed one of my dreaded bronchitis coughs. And with the last two weeks having been slammed with work insanity, I'm now frantically trying to get hairstyle planning done five weeks out from this whole thing. Erich has thankfully taken on the task of contacting our massive RSVP no-show list, because honestly? I just can't handle it anymore.

And I'm resenting every moment of the stress. Absolutely RESENTING it.

This is not good.

/completely cranky, exhausted bridezilla rant

Friday Morning Musings

A very happy 33rd to my other half, Erich (occasionally popping on my LJ as , in case anyone was wondering who that was...). :) He's now a year older than me, at least for the next few months. *grin*

We'll be doing some sort of dinnery thing, per his interest, tonight after work. His dad & Linda are coming down tomorrow for lunch and some hangout time, and then Erich will be heading off to geek with the guys for the evening, and I'll probably curl up in front of the telly with those Chris Eccleston DVD's I still haven't watched.

My office had its summer conclave yesterday, where we did an annual update meeting and then broke into groups to do community service around Boston, and then met back up for lunch and some celebratory drinking. My group went to a playground in Charlestown, where we spread mulch over the entire playground area, did some trash cleanup, and some weeding. It looked quite good when we were done. But oh, my back is still tired. I'm not so much sore anymore, but the muscles in my back are just fatigued, which is causing everything to ache. So it's one of those "good" aches, but still, gah, I'd much prefer to be in bed where I can rest my shoulders.

I've finished the initial beta work on both of the short pieces I promised to do. So those will get mailed off later today, once I do a final read through on each.

Today is the RSVP date for my wedding invitations. I've only received half of them back so far. Above all, I think I'm most annoyed that all of the family members who have thrown me through the emotional wringer over the last two years are the ones who haven't sent back their damn RSVPs. Not a single one of them. I'm borderline pissed off on that little snippet. But of course, they probably figure that I figure that they're all coming. And while, yes, I do, there was also the request on my RSVP notes to include any allergies (since we are having... shellfish), and I know for a FACT that at least two of the people who haven't RSVPed do have allergies - extensive allergies - but I don't keep tabs on all of them and kinda need to know. Because if I don't work around said allergies, of COURSE they're going to complain.

And then there's the rest of the family friends and everyday friends who haven't replied. *sigh*

I have to admit that after going through the whole save-the-date mailing, then the wedding invite mailing, the fact that I have HALF of my invitees still not responding is well, a bit demoralizing to say the least.

Moral of the story - if someone sends you an invite that requires an RSVP, please send it back. Right away while it's on your mind, or at the minimum, make sure it gets back by the deadline they print. Seriously, even if you're not able to go. Just send it back so they know. If you're not sure you can get time off for the event, at least call the person and let them know that, because there are reasons why the invites have to go out and come back by a certain time. Now I'm in a monster headache and a slight panic because I need to get counts to my caterer and cake maker within the next few days, and as of right now, I literally don't have anywhere near the MINIMUM number of people I need to pay for for the caterer. I have no clue as to how many to reserve tables, food, etc. for.

*sigh*

I'm so brain fried. I really am.

In any case, I know a lot of people have been commenting, either on the now massive meta thread from the other day, or on various comments on my journal or elsewhere. I'll be responding to them tomorrow, probably.

My brain is mush

I owe three people fanfic beta work - and yes, it's going. I should have two of the pieces done this evening. The third is a long-term project, and I'm hoping to get two chapters completed by mid-week. My problem is that my inner editor isn't letting me READ the stories first, and just wants to jump into editing... and I don't like to do that. I need to read a story first, to see how the whole thing strikes me before I start combing through it.

As for my own writing? Hell if I know when it's going to happen. My brain is just in a pouty don'wanna sort of mood. And honestly, it's probably good for it to be that way, considering I have Lots of Wedding Crap To Do. But I need to get that little fic piece done for the "Anywhere but Cardiff" ficathon. I don't expect to have anything stellar to contribute, sadly. My question is should I post what I have during the ficathon, or shelve it and apologize, but add it in late, when my brain decides to work?

*sigh*

On the stuff-to-do front, it's been a very productive weekend, but I also found time to get some relaxation in, too. I took a half-day off from work on Friday (VERY needed after the three fourteen hour days earlier in the week). As always, the Commuter Rail sucks ass, leaving South Station about a half-hour late. What I wouldn't give for an on-time train. (sigh) But it does beat driving every day, and I have to remind myself of that. The Jeep isn't exactly good on gas, and it IS a 60+ mile drive each way. With Boston traffic.

Anyway - picked up my wedding dress from alterations on Friday afternoon. It fits beautifully now. Hem is just perfect, and the two small tucks under my arms make everything fit just right on the top. The bustle is a contraption to behold, I swear - ELEVEN ties. Because I have a fat ass. But the girls at David's Bridal were kind enough to number each ribbon and each loop for me (without me having to ask for it) to make it easier on the poor bridesmaids who'll have to deal with them.

So now, I basically am done with dress stuff. I bring it back two weeks before the wedding to have it steamed, and that's it.

Since I was in the area, I also picked up some metallic ribbon for my wedding Chucks. I wasn't thrilled with a lot of the color options, but I found a pretty metallic iridescent orange organza that has just a bit of wire in it for some strength. It's pretty close to the metallic shade of the orange on the heel stripe, so it'll go well. I bought three lengths, just in case one breaks. :)

So shoes are now done.

Updated the spreadsheet with our guest invites - so far we have 42 yes, 4 no. About half have sent RSVPs and the deadline is Friday. It's funny - my friends all said that they got a burst of RSVPs the first week or so, and then a trickle. There's really been no burst with us - we'll have one or two one day, none for a couple days, and then maybe four another day.

MY family are slackers. Like... only two families have sent back RSVPs. And I might note that my mom is NOT among the returnees.

(and I wonder where I get my procrastination?)

We got our first wedding gift delivered on Friday. We haven't opened the box yet, but it's from Linens & Things. I'm not sure whether to open it or wait until the wedding. For now, the box is sitting in the kitchen. It's not like Erich and I aren't staying together. But I know the tradition is to not use anything until the wedding, so... I guess it's probably better to wait.

Mom informed me that she has bought me the Margaritaville blender from Williams Sonoma as one of our wedding presents. She also said that "she needs to try it out first." ;) But needless to say, it'll be getting used for both the girls' day/night out if anything happens at my house and for the Unrehearsal Dinner. Because seriously... drinky things are required for wedding parties. And oh, this thing will get used - because both Erich and I like our drinky things.

and can I just say I'm cracking up at the tote bag on that webpage? I seriously may consider it... because I have a feeling this thing will be requested to be transported to various houses for use.

We wrote our vows this weekend so we can order our rings on Monday. Erich just needs to double-check his ring size before he sends in the order (because with the etching of our vows on the inside of the ring, it's not like they'll be easily resized).

And I've done a shitload of laundry. I'm not sure where it's all coming from - I feel like every weekend I'm doing a TON of laundry. There are only two people in this house-- where the hell is it all coming from?!?

And we reordered some of our kitchen, too. About two weeks ago, Erich found a great sideboard for the dining room that provided some much needed storage space. It's too big a piece for the kitchen, so we've put it in the dining room and moved all of the silverware, barware, bottles of booze, and bigger serving dishes/platters to sit on it. That opened up nearly an entire side of our upper cabinets in the kitchen, so we now have better storage space for dry goods.

I'm on the switchboard all day tomorrow, so I'll be doing a lot of the emails I didn't get to this weekend. And who knows, if it's quiet (which August does tend to be with the last weeks of summer vacation), maybe I'll get some scribble writing done?

I can only hope...

Being productive, slacking off, and brown-nosing

All in all, it was quite productive. I got a lot of the email work I needed to finish completed - already have heard back from the caterer, and a few of the panic questions (i.e. we do have a tent reserved for the reception, right?!?) are now solved to my relief. I got caught up on a decent amount of housework. I leveled my character in World of Warcraft to 70. And I did some file cleaning on my computer. Not too shabby.

Oh, and with the help of my father, I've hopefully solved the poor timing of female systems during the wedding issue, with the help of Walgreens. Dad called in a resupply of my birth control pills to the Walgreens near me (gotta love that as long as it's not a narcotic, he can call cross-country). I'll be picking them up and starting them tomorrow, making sure to take no placebo pills at all to force my period to skip. And if all goes well, I'll be requesting my own OB/GYN to please put me on the Seasonale that's now on the market, which is essentially the same idea.

Didn't get to my office as I'd hoped - but the pouring rain that was supposed to last all weekend and cool things off didn't really happen. It poured for about a half-hour this afternoon, but I swear it's muggier now than it was before. And so it's just miserable upstairs. But I'll get to it. It may be a midnight project next weekend, but I'll get to it.

Tomorrow morning I'll be getting up bright and early at five, driving into work (let's hope the Jeep doesn't break down like it did last time I did this... on Memorial Day weekend), and pushing a potentially very long day. But it will be a good thing. It's for a large, complicated client, and working with one of the senior account managers and a principal of the company. And I definitely want to make good on putting a strong effort into my workload. Hopefully it all goes well.

It'll be a short work week for me - I'm taking a half day on Friday because I pick up my dress from the alterations late Friday afternoon (eep!). By then I'm hoping to also have figured out the hair stylist issues and transportation for this shindig.

My god, it's August already. Where the hell has this year gone?!?

The upcoming weekend

Random aside - day to day, I've been hanging out over on LJ a lot... as I've become pretty involved with the Doctor Who fan crowd there. So if you have a LJ account, pop on over and say hi. My screenname over there is measi, just as it is here. All of my journal entries are cross-posted, though.

I'd originally toyed with (and signed up for) the Blogathon for tomorrow, but hadn't received an approved message by this morning. And honestly? I know better. I'm already running crazy, and I can't afford to blow the day on it this year.

So I'll do it next year. When I'm theoretically sane.

Instead, I'll be working through a massive half-wedding, half-house chores list this weekend. Thankfully some of it is just email/computer related, so hopefully I can get a head start on it if I have some lulls in work today.

-Update RSVP list, email to Mom and Erich
- Email caterer
- Email DJ
- Email payment addresses to Mom
- Finish Lowes registry, double-check Linens & Things registry
- Update wedding webpage
- Laundry
- Dishes
- Scrub office
- Move bookshelves in office
- LoM files to iPod
- Backup all mp4s to DVD
- Whittle through "my docs" folder
- Time and Chips "Anywhere but Cardiff" fic... 1,000 words written
- Level Tennetty to 70
- Email girls list to Melinda
- Strip beds from last weekend, wash, remake
- Grocery shopping
- Beta reading

Seriously... with all of the crap I have to do... there's absolutely no way I could do that Blogathon. I was stupid to even think of it.

But hey, I'll find a way to get through the list. And I'll multitask when possible to try to get stuff done faster. I'm a professional admin assistant. I can multitask quite well. :) And since the weekend's supposed to be absolutely craptastic, it may help me to stay on task.

I can dream at least. Stop giving me those looks, Erich.

I do hope to have at least a couple hours of couch time this weekend. I bought copies of The Second Coming and Revengers Tragedy (both with Chris Eccleston) weeks ago and haven't watched them yet - and since I can only watch them on the living room TV since they're Region 2 discs, it limits my time a bit. Doctor Who was mostly to blame for that, of course. But maybe this weekend I can find a couple hours for one of them.

We'll see.

Happy Friday, all!

When Geeks Get Married...

So... the insanity continues in the wedding planning. Talked to Mom, who I think had a heart attack this morning over money. But so am I, so no worries there.

By process of elimination, we've picked our rings: ooh... shiny!

And then the email thread commenced on vows, since it relates to the ring...

I start the conversation off quietly - with vows I actually really like, either as-is, or with some modifications by us to personalize them:

I love you. You are my best friend.
Today I give myself to you in marriage.
I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you,
and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle.
I promise to love you in good times and in bad,
when life seems easy and when it seems hard,
when our love is simple, and when it is an effort.
I promise to cherish you, and to always hold you in highest regard
These things I give to you today, and all the days of our life.

As a joke, I also suggested that we could send my family into spasms by doing the ceremony this way: http://weddings.about.com/od/yourweddingceremony/a/SeussFunnyVows.htm

In response, Erich sends me the link to a google search... all on the word "Obey."

Now... we've had a lot of discussion on that word - and my distaste about it. It won't show up in my vows (whether Erich decides he wants to say he'll obey me... well, hey... *wink*). But I can joke about it.

So then the next proposal for vows he gives is this:

I promise to put up with your family, pull your pigtails less, and obey the cats.

Followed by a quick revisement, with both sets of vows. Me = Erich, You = Me.

Me: I promise to pull your pigtails less, mow the lawn more often, and obey the petting needs cats always.

You: I promise to cook more (because I’m good at it), clean more (because my office is scary), and buy more coffee (because we both need more coffee).


That may have potential...

Wednesday morning musings

Both other admins are late this morning for doctors' appointments. How'd this work out? Well, no matter. It's nice and quiet.

I'm highly annoyed, based on current events and some calculations, that I'm going to have my period during my wedding, thanks to my cycle deciding to do some timing switches and show up a week early. HIGHLY. ANNOYED. (seriously... on ALL OF THE DAYS... the one that I'm going to be wearing white on top of white on top of white. SERIOUSLY). Pissed. off.

Gathered all of our contracts for vendors to double-check final payment dates. Glad I did... 'cause our site payment in full was due Sunday. *sigh* Have already emailed them with a copy to my mom to get that resolved. *sigh* So the panic ensues again.

We have six RSVPs already returned to us. It's very freaky. OMG people are coming to this thing. *runs* *hides*

I seriously need a haircut. And a recolor. And a clue as to what I'm going to do with my hair for aforementioned wedding, which frustrates me because I'm just NOT a hair person and don't care about it like I really should be doing.

Thank Goddess for Indiebrides.com, which has a kickass repository of readings and vow ideas that others have used. Me thinks I may be diving into those threads on the Kvetch boards this weekend to get those vows written.

Speaking of writing - scribbled 300 words on my piece for "Anywhere but Cardiff." Whether I finish or not, no can say. But I'll give it a try.

Well, no... it will get finished. Whether before or after the wedding is the real question.

Shit, I still have lots of beta reading to do, too. Hmm...

Life on Mars is awesome. Just finished Episode 7 of Series 1 this morning.

I need more coffee.

I haven't watched an episode of Who since Friday night. Scary.

No, I really need more coffee.

Shit, I hope we didn't fuck everything up with our reception site by missing that deadline on Sunday. Fuck fuck fuck.

.

Random Sunday Thoughts...

My accomplishments this weekend:

1) Wedding invites are DONE (save two that we need new addresses for). All addressed, all compiled, all stamped. They go out tomorrow.

2) The Linens 'n Things portion of our wedding registry is populated. I feel like such a mooch. But I have to admit to being excited that I may actually get some of these things and finally break free of college decor-itis. Somewhat, anyway.

3) Laundry - ongoing. I'm on load 3. One more load of towels, and then a mini-load of delicates to go.

4) Erich and his dad put together our guest room bed (yes, ... an actual bed. With a headboard and footboard and everything!). Unfortunately, the Queen-sized boxspring will NOT go up our stairs. We removed the back staircase pole. We removed the front staircase ceiling molding. Won't happen. So... if you're in the general southern New England area and need a Queen boxspring (now or in the near future), lemme know. We're going to have to go purchase a split-style boxspring for the Queen bed. Depending on how that goes, we may have a mismatched mattress shortly, too. We can make arrangements somehow.

5) We narrowed our wedding ring decision down to five different bands. We've decided to get matching bands, rather than the newer trend of getting ones that each person likes. Thankfully, we both have similar tastes, so it's been fairly easy. Choices we're down to now are: A, B (possibly in the rose/white combo), C, D, or E (not bicolor).

6) Saw Harry Potter: OotP again today. It was Erich's Dad's 64th birthday today, so we treated him to a heavy breakfast at the Cracker Barrel, followed by the movie.

It was better on second viewing. Still not my favorite, but I did like it better this time around.

7) Attended the wedding of Erich's cousin, Katy, and her (now) husband, David. It was at Sakonnet Vineyards in Little Compton, RI. Lovely place. Definitely a setting I'd recommend to anyone looking for peaceful New England space - near the water, surrounded by the vines. Although it was a bit buggy in the evening (welcome to July). Otherwise, weather was incredible for July - absolutely perfect. I can only hope we have such good weather in September.

8) Went a little snarky with Doctor Who fandom. But I'm better now and moving on.



Good weekend. Definitely can't complain! :)

Thursday Thirteen #26: Non-related musings

My brain has officially gone into wedding mush autopilot, so I don't really have anything witty for this week's Thursday Thirteen. But I can come up with 13 random thoughts for the week.

Measi's Brain-Fried Thursday Thirteen

1. My wedding invites are all addressed, save the four that my mom finally just emailed me fifteen minutes ago. That means I can get them addressed and out the door this weekend. Big, big check mark off the wedding "to do" list.

2. If you live in the U.S., love science fiction, and aren't watching the new series of Doctor Who that started last week - turn on the television on Friday night. Seriously. Having seen the entire series, it's fantastic. It's not the goofy sets of the 70s on PBS you may remember, as good as Tom Baker was. The last six episodes of this series are not to be missed, in my opinion. Blink, in particular, scheduled to air on September 7th, is not to be missed TV for any lover of really good, creepy TV shows, sci-fi or not.

3. Next shows on my Brit TV list - I've just started watchng Life on Mars. Brilliant writing, great acting. I garnished stares on the commuter train this morning as I broke out laughing at episode 2. I'm also starting Our Friends in the North, as a continuation of shows starring actors from Doctor Who. I've heard it's an amazing series.

4. I've now lost a total of 20 pounds due to wedding stress. Which I'm really not happy about, because I tend to double-gain back once I'm out of stress.

5. There is a distinct weather line ringing Boston at Route 128/I-95 this week. Outside of 128, it's hot and humid. But inside the ring, it's been in the low 70's, and foggy until today. It's throwing me off on my commute - hot when I leave in the morning, cold when I arrive at work.

6. I'm tired of hearing people chew loudly at their desks at work. The sound of people chewing (presumably with their mouths open) makes my stomach turn.

7. My World of Warcraft guild, the Burrito Bandits, has a new tabard - looking like a lobster bib. (a photo is over on my Flickr page). Our guild leader is insane... in a good way.

8. Speaking of burritos... I think a buffalo chicken one from Boloco is calling my name for lunch today.

9. I bought my first Moleskine notebook over the weekend for doodling and scribbling random thoughts. Because I need more notebooks.

10. I'm tired of my work wardrobe. It's bleh and boring and getting sloppy. But I hate the plus-sized clothes for summer, and can't justify a spending spree. Until after the wedding, I'm just going to endure it.

11. New official count on Hoodsie's toes - 7 on each front paw, 6 on one back paw, 7 on the other back paw. Boy's got a lotta extra claws. And my legs have paid the price as he play-pounces.

12. Holy shit I'm getting married in 9 weeks.

13. I really, truly need about a month-long vacation.

Distracted

The fog that has decided to settle all day over Boston Harbor definitely reflects my attention span today - lots of little things floating around, but nothing's quite distinct.

I have an omnipresent thought floating around regarding Melinda today, who's now recovering from surgery. As of the first update last night, she was doing quite well. Erich, who's had the same procedure - albeit under the methods done eight years ago - was surprised that she was up and walking yesterday. He told me this morning as I read Kevin's email that it took him the better part of a week before he was moving.

Amazing what a few years does for surgical procedures, eh?

In any case, Melinda's a fairly strong presence in my thoughts today, and I'm hoping her recovery goes smoothly so I can envy her in about ten weeks when I see her looking fabulous in a floor-length truffle gown.

Add to that the fact that I'm completely distracted from work today because my office bought out two theater showings for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Erich and I are going tonight after work. I cannot wait. :)

On the planning side, now that it's ever-present...

I'm about 3/4 done with addressing my wedding invitation envelopes, taking a break after every few to rest up my wrist so my writing doesn't start getting scrawly. When my wrist is fresh, my handwriting is surprisingly good - if I'm not using a ballpoint pen, at least. Ironic, considering that I always flunked handwriting in grade school!

Most of my friends have asked why I don't just print out the invitations using a pretty font on the printer, and I've said I don't want to. This is just one of those things I feel the need to do. It's the right thing to do - spending the time to personally address envelopes for my wedding. My love of writing isn't just in the structure of words on a page. I've always loved getting letters written by hand, and whenever possible - I've made a point to write letters by hand. There's something elegant and relaxing about it - reminding the world that it's not all about computers and technology. It's personal, and it's very me. And besides, it's not like I have hundreds of these to do. I have about sixty total. Not too bad at all.

Although I have to admit that writing formal envelopes to my close friends addressed as "Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst TheirLast" is a bit surreal. I'm going pretty casual on the inner envelope, just to stop weirding myself out.

I still have to get in touch with someone regarding hairstyles for the wedding. And I need to touch base with the caterer to start getting those gears going.

T-minus ten weeks...

I has weddingz insanities

Running through the mental checklist for the wedding has summed up my week. But we are now under three months, and it's officially "Okay... you need to get this shit done now" time.

And I just remembered that we forgot to sign the photographer contract. AGAIN.

*ugh*

Anyway... the list in the last week's accomplishments have been thusly:
- deposit for the cake
- finalized the hors d'oevres list & decided on the alcohol, style of catering, etc. from the options given
- had my fitting (god, was that only a week ago?)
- brought Masquedbunny to order her bridesmaid dress. All of the girls are now ordered.
- Erich decided up on his kilt tartan and the kilt rentals for the groomsmen
- We got in touch with my brother, miracle of miracles
- Designed and purchased my custom Wedding Chucks
- Invites arrived
- I bought stamps for said invites.
- Found our florist
- Met with said florist last night for a sample centerpiece. Absolutely lovely. She'll be sending cost estimates & contract this week.
- Drank an intriguing "ninjarita" at the impromptu Fourth of July celebration as I caught up with Sara about our wedding plans
- Did a quick tour of the hotel where my mom has reserved a block of rooms. We prefer the hotel she stayed at last week, honestly, but the one with the block *is* a half-hour closer to the wedding site, so she's keeping the block. Erich and I may rent a room at the other place, though, for our wedding night
- Dad sent me my pearls (on my request) that I got as a gift for my high school graduation. I've never worn them, and they've been at my dad's house the entire time. They should be arriving today here at work.
- Accepted the fact that no, I'm not into the wedding planning, but I'll deal, knowing that I'll have a good time on the day, even if it takes a crapload of alcohol to loosen me up

This weekend's projects (that will undoubtedly bleed into next week):
- address invites & get at least the long distance ones in the mail by Monday
- gather list of the girls for whatever Melinda is planning behind my back. (Goddess help me)
- Harass my mom for those final addresses she keeps telling me she wants added to the invite list
- Contact the spa regarding hair/massages/etc
- Contact the bridesmaids once I have prices for hair and stuff, and see who's interested, and who prefers to do their own
- Find time to sleep. A lot.

To kick off the weekend, though, we're heading to the drive-in tonight to view the Uber Manly Double Feature (TM), consisting of Transformers followed by Live Free or Die Hard. And since both are fairly long movies, we're not expecting to get home much before two a.m.

I has insanities. Mel brain go boom.

Thursday Thirteen: Things I've learned in the last week

It's Thursday morning - I'm very tired, sitting at work, and it's a depressingly gloomy day. If you watched any of the Boston coverage on CBS last night, you didn't get the half of how dreary a day it was. But it was fun. I just want the rest of the week off. :)

In any case, it's time for the Thursday Thirteen, and since it's the 100th edition of T13 on their site, they asked for a special T13 linking to your top thirteen favorite posts for the meme.

I'll be getting to THAT this evening, when I have time for it (and to also make up a couple missing T13s). Until then, here's my normal one...

Thirteen things I’ve learned in the last week

1) My mother is completely, utterly unpredictable. Things I don’t think will bother her about the wedding… do. And things I think she’ll flip a gasket over… don’t. I’m so confused.

2) Fourth of July celebrations on a Wednesday make for absolutely brutal Thursday mornings.

3) Guys vs. girls when it rains on the cookout: The guys all duck for shelter under the porch. The girls take over the chairs in the yard vacated by the guys, make sure the chairs are relatively under cover of the trees, and go about their business.

4) I’m severely out of practice with any sort of healing energy work. The girls were working with it last night, and now I have an energy drain headache.

5) Watching six cats work out the pack pecking order is fascinating. Particularly when the humans are dead wrong as to who the alpha male of the household was. I laugh at the idea that cats are solitary animals.

6) There’s clearly something wrong with me since I don’t enjoy the wedding planning like others do. But that’s okay. I just don’t like to fuss over things, and wedding planning is a whole lotta fussing.

7) I’m thankful I don’t live closer to the Italian markets in Federal Hill, Providence. I’d be broke and even fatter than I am now. OMG, the food is so good though!

8) Weddings are frighteningly expensive. Even when you think they won’t be. I should have really figured this out before, honestly.

9) Apparently, I can write NC-17 rated fanfic quite well, based on my livejournal friends’ list reviews. (blush). Not sure whether it’s a good or a bad thing that I have my friends requesting that I “write more smut.” Heh.

10) I don’t like gin and tonics. I do, however, like whatever Chris and Sara were putting in their “Ninjaritas” yesterday at the cookout.

11) There is nothing quite like having David Tennant, John Barrowman, and John Simm on the TV screen at the same time. The only thing I can think of to make that better is to add a young Mel Gibson to the mix.

12) Reactions that came from the groomsmen about their wearing kilts – my brother is suggesting he’ll be tempted to recreate the bottom-bearing scene in Braveheart (and well… he would.) One of Erich’s friends – “What did I ever do to you?” One of the other groomsmen reminded said dreading groomsman that apparently he tried to kill Erich with an icecube tray once. I have not heard this story yet. And I think I need to. Very soon.

13) I’ve rarely paid much attention to him since he left ESPN, but Keith Olbermann did an amazing commentary the other night on TV. This is the type of discussion the First Amendment was made for. When our nation is in crisis. Regardless of which side of the party fence you sit on, please watch it.





Off to work.

Wedding Planning Insanity Day #1

My mom's up in Rhode Island for a couple days so we can hammer the last big pieces into place with our planning.

I went for my dress fitting this morning - which was again much less painful (aside from a pin scratch that had me slightly bleeding a bit onto the dress at my armpit. *sigh* They said they could easily get it out.

Anyway... here's the pinned, but not yet ironed first photos of me in my dress, realizing how oddly surreal this all is - and how very real it's going to be in less than three months:
http://pics.livejournal.com/measi/gallery/0000eatp

After my fitting, we waited around the house for my mom to arrive - then headed to North Providence to meet with a potential florist. And all three of us REALLY liked her. She's done several weddings at Mount Hope Farm before, so she knows their restrictions (no loose petals for flower girls, etc), and immediately was talking about things that we could use at the ceremony and then reuse for the reception - which of course my mom loved hearing... a florist who's thinking of ways to get the most out of the flowers.

We then went for dinner in Federal Hill (the Italian neighborhood in Providence) and stuffed ourselves full of incredibly yummy food. During which time, the following conversation took place:

Mom asks "So did you get your shoes?"

"Yep." (I hadn't planned on telling her that I wasn't wearing wedding shoes... surprise her on the day in case she hates the idea)

"You didn't buy them when we bought your dress, though, right? What did you get? Ballet slippers?"

"No- but they're flat."

"Oh, okay. And comfy, I hope?"

"Oh yes."

"Please tell me you're not wearing Doc Martens."

"No - too clunky. Love them, but I'd be clomping."

"You got Mary Janes."

"Nope."

"Oh, I don't know - Converse high-tops then?"

*this would be where I stare at her in amusement, and Erich just starts laughing.*

She got it in three.

And surprisingly LOVES the idea, particularly for my ankle support, and immediately started suggesting I doll them up with organza ribbons for shoelaces (which is what I was planning to do to anyway) and flowers or bows on the toes. *snicker*.

Tomorrow - we will eat cake! Lots of cake! And then go see another florist down in the area where the cake maker is - although we really did like today's florist a LOT.


And my invites are here - eep!

Plans coming together

Erich and I have been fairly busy with the wedding planning lately. Lots of stuff is getting settled, resolved, or at least band-aided for the time being. Our awesome maid of honor and best man have been very supportive (mostly to get me to stop losing my shit).

But I'm honestly feeling a bit better, a bit more in control. We're now 90 days out. Ninety. I feel like it's tomorrow. So I keep switching between "oh... I'm fine. Really. No probs." and "ohmygodimsofarbehindshitineedtodothat."

Melinda has been keeping me sane via email. I will owe her big time after all of this.

We've booked our photographer - a fantastic photojournalism-style photographer that Melinda found via Craiglist. Her prices are fantastic, and I seriously can't wait to work with her, based on our phone chat a few nights ago.

Earlier this week we ordered our invites - so I guess this whole thing is official now. :) We had a good laugh as we went through the styles and verses available. Some are truly frightening. Highlight comments included:

"Those hearts are too heartsey..." <--- that would be me, while viewing styles in horror
"Stop with the rhyming!" <-- Erich, re: verses
"IN THE SPIRIT OF OUR ANCESTORS!" <-- both of us, big booming voices, re: verses

We decided on something basic and traditional. And autumney.

.

.

.

I don't think my mom has clued into the fact that we're marrying on a Pagan Sabbat, by the way. But I'm having fun with the autumn stuff in the meantime, playing around with the double meaning.

But of course, wedding planning still doesn't come without some stress. Now it's with my other relatives - starting with my brother, who acknowledges to my mom that he received Erich's email two months ago which asked him to be a groomsman, but he didn't read it, and then gives my mom some b.s. "you know, it's better if they call me..."

ARRRRRGGGGGH!

Yes, it's my brother. Scott is being Scott. Scott is always being Scott. But seriously - TWO MONTHS. At least reply to the email that it's better to contact you via phone, for cripes sake.

After all of this, you know what I'm doing for my honeymoon? Sleeping. That's it. Erich will be relishing in the new release of Halo 3 and I'll be sleeping. Wedding over, we'll return to our lazy geekdom.

But before then, I have the Wedding Blitz Trip 2007 to work through this week, as my mom comes up for another whirlwind two days: my first dress fitting, flowers, and cakes. That's the plan.

If we get that done this week, I'm so golden.

Thursday Thirteen #25 - Being Productive

It's been a very busy week. I'm so ready for the weekend so I can catch up on some sleep.

For this week's Thursday Thirteen, my list of accomplishments for the week (both good and bad). Most of them are wedding-related.

1) I found a wedding photographer! We've chatted briefly through email, and will hopefully talk over the phone within the next couple days... both of us are just having those "gah, can't talk now" weeks. But yes... photographer is now getting setled.

2) All of my bridesmaids have been contacted and have info to go dress shopping and such.

3) Erich and I picked out our invitations. We still need to decide on the wording - but they'll be ordered this week.

4) I had a LONG talk with my mom about the emotional b.s. that erupted two weeks ago. I still don't feel that she gets my point of view at all, but supposedly she's put out the fires down there. To a point. We'll see. BUT, at least two things were settled, in my opinion-

4a) Erich and I are handling the Unrehearsal Dinner, so she can stop obsessing over it (we're having a BBQ at our house... housewarming for the relatives & relaxed afternoon in one).
4b) My relatives are accepting, in their own levels of acceptance, that we are not catering to their whims with our wedding vows. They can accept a Justice of the Peace ceremony, or they won't. The alternative is for us to NOT compromise out of respect for their religion, and go back to a handfasting. But that's what it is. Full stop.

5) I made my first dress fitting appointment.

6) I contacted vendors for my hair/spa day, flowers, and cakes. All still unresolved but in the works.

And for the non-wedding ones...

7) I wrote 1,500 words on my fanfic for a challenge due July 1st. The minimum wordcount is 1,000 words. That was never a problem. I'm probably about 1/2 done with the first draft. I hope to have it done within the next three days, give it a once-over myself for editing/reworking, and then send it to my beta editors.

8) I figured out what the weird triffyd plant is in our yard that has grown about 15 feet in two years (no. Really. - 2005 - 2006) It's called a Northern Catalpa. I finally was able to figure out what it was once it started flowering this week. Between the flowers and the leaves as big as a human head, I was able to narrow it down pretty quickly yesterday.

9) I've somehow managed to lose 10 pounds, entirely through stress and non-eating over the wedding. It's just enough to make my pants feel like they're going to fall down.

10) I covered an entire day at front reception at work without needing a single cup of coffee.

11) I stupidly got in the middle of a cats-figuring-out-the-pecking-order fight last night between Colley and Hoodsie, and managed to land a pretty nasty set of scratch/bruise marks when Hoodsie latched onto my leg in defensiveness. It looks nasty, but doesn't hurt.

12) I bought a new battery for my iBook, so I can start writing during my commutes.

13) I levelled my character in World of Warcraft.

Productive week. Very productive week.

- Mel.

Wednesday Updates...

Erich and I called my mother - and got her answering machine. She didn't call back.

Color me surprised. She probably will eventually call back - a week or two from now, citing how she's "so busy." That's been her excuse for the past month or so now. She keeps bringing up things that she "needs" to get for me for the wedding, but never does.

(and of course, when I asked her for them point-blank in an email, she ignored my request and then went on the aforementioned religion rant).

Of course... you know... I apparently have loads of free time on my hands. From conversations with my mother, she seems to be under the impression that I still live according to a college schedule, even though she's more than aware that I do a 12 hour day five days per week - kinda has to happen when you live 60 miles from your job.

And I've only been out of college for a decade now. *snort*

Ah yes... I'm pissy about the wedding today. What else is new? Honestly... other than the wedding I'm fine. But I'm seriously starting to feel time pressure here, and while Erich's trying to convince me that we're fine... we're right on top of things...

and in reality, we're probably fine. But I always panic to get myself motivated to bust my ass into gear.

I'd really, REALLY like to get this phone call out of the way, however - even though I'm quite certain I'll be both sobbing and puking my guts out afterward, based on my physical reactions to just trying to make the call last night.

Whee.

Rambling Thoughts on a lot of topics

So much swirling around lately... it's no wonder that I had to deal with insomnia last night. *sigh*

A huge thank you to everyone who has been commenting, emailing, or calling lately... I really do appreciate it. I haven't been able to wrap my brain around all of my thoughts on the matter, but I'm glad to hear that I'm not overreacting on this. I'm well aware of my tendency to do so... and to be slightly selfish. But in this matter, I want to be, dammit. :)

Erich and I are winding down for the evening - watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire for the umpteenth time. He's teasing me every time David Tennant comes on screen. I think he's feeling slightly jealous for some reason...

(he really doesn't have anything to worry about. I don't think said Scotsman is showing up at my house anytime soon).

Wedding
Haven't talked to Mom yet. Not looking forward to it. Not feeling much better than last week, but at least I'm no longer numb. I'm just very pissed off and very depressed about the whole thing. But I'm so thankful for the people we chose to be in our wedding party - both our best man (Tone) and our maid of honor (Melinda) spent a lot of time this week trying to console, cheer us up, and do some both sarcastic and not-so-sarcastic suggestions for revenge. It definitely helped. Add to that that the rest of my non-family bridesmaids have been there as well... and yeah, I'm lucky to have them. I really am.

I'm still really trying to find any reason to keep planning this wedding. *sigh* We'll see - at some point this week, Erich and I need to talk to her. And if we do go forward, I absolutely need the following things to happen this week to feel remotely sane:

- book a photographer
- finalize the guest list
- order my invitations
- make a reservation for my first dress fitting
- figure out what steps we need to take for our officiant to be legal in Rhode Island

We'll see. But let's just say... I'm much less willing to be openly sensitive to my family's religious issues right now. If it didn't scare me to open my faith up to my family so much (a discussion for another entry...), I would be planning the public handfasting right now.

Hoodsie
We've slowly started releasing Hoodsie into the general cat population. After several surprisingly smooth days, we've started dealing with the more expected growing pains. The male cats are trying to figure out the new pecking order. It's been a bit interesting. No complete all out fights, but they've come close. The hardest time to deal with him is in the late evening, just because he's still wanting to go out and roam.

We're finding that large doses of loose catnip on the floor to drug them all into oblivion is helping tremendously, though. Gus and Hoodsie, despite being rankled at each other all day, are currently sprawled out next to each other covered in the blessed weed, well beyond stoned.

I'm in full support of cat addictions, if it helps soothe the adjustment process. *grin*

Weekend
We had a busy weekend here again, which was fun (and honestly just what I needed to keep myself from brooding too often). Early Saturday, two of my sorority sisters, Masquedbunny (who is one of my other aforementioned awesome bridesmaids), and Whishastar took the commuter train down from Boston for a "Stitch, Bitch & Who" day. Not so much of the stitching occurred, and bitching was actually fairly light this time, too. But lots of Doctor Who. All of the third series to date in a day. Including the second half of the two-parter I've been impatiently waiting for since it was announced months ago. And it did not disappoint. At all.

Later that day, our friend Matt (one of Erich's kickass groomsmen) came down, also for some of the aforementioned Who. Everyone spent the night. We had coffee & donuts, and then I took the girls back up to Boston.

Matt & Erich stayed home to play World of Warcraft, and then went out to see 28 Weeks Later (on which I passed). We continued playing WoW when they got home until late in the evening. Matt and I stayed up to watch some other Who stuff, and I found myself dealing with a nasty case of insomnia that refused to let me fall asleep until about four or so.

Needless to say, between that, the headcold I had last week, and the stress of last week, I needed a serious mental health day, and took one of my Essential Days today.

I didn't exactly get the stitching done I needed to, nor the writing, nor the beta reading. But in light of the week... I'm not beating myself up at all about it.


Lots of thoughts swirling. And I need a serious vacation.

Maybe Erich and I will have to reconsider our plans to put off our honeymoon until next year... *sigh*

Confusion is nothing new

So... 24 hours after the email that revealed the religious bigotry of my family and their attempt to blackmail the format of my wedding ceremony? I'm completely devastated. Absolutely at a loss. I've never felt so alienated from my family in my life.

And for those who have known me for a few years - yeah, much bigger than with my father and our falling out four years ago.

I've ranged from complete numbness to absolute rage to having to excuse myself at work to go cry in private. And I'm just fed up. Right now, I don't want any of my relatives at my wedding. Frankly, I think they're out to spoil the day for me by making it about themselves. And I already get the sense that some bullshit will happen at the wedding that will leave me in tears - and not of joy.

I'm literally right on the edge of cancelling the wedding and running away with Erich to Vegas. Or, at this point saying fuck all to being nice and considerate of my family's feelings and going forward with a handfasting rather than the considerate-of-all-faiths secular wedding. Erich recommends we have one more talk with my mom.

I envy his hope. I truly do.

Erich's also at the edge with this - who, per an email this morning, is so emotionally exhausted due to the last two months dealing with his mother's death - that he's unable to really think coherantly about this.

What he did do this morning, however, was to mention something that in my rage I'd forgotten about. Driving up 95 through Providence toward the train station, he looked over at me and quietly said "By the way... happy anniversary."

May 31st. Six years.

Committment, honor, love, stability, respect, growth - these are the things we've developed in our six years. The good, strong foundations of a relationship. I don't understand how that's not enough for my relatives.

I truly don't.

I can't see how any joy can come from continuing this wedding planning.

I'm just...


.

On May 30, 2007...

I got to discover that I've been forced out of the broom closet with my pious Catholic family.

And how unaccepting they are toward me dictating how I will say my own wedding vows... which are already being done in a secular ceremony out of respect for their religion.


Whee.



Joy.


*pounds wall*

Weekend Plans

Our plans to go to the drive-in were quickly squashed by the current weather. While I wouldn't mind going to see a movie under warm, rainy skies, I don't care to go and freeze my ass off in low 40's damp. Bleh. So change of plans - we'll go to see a movie in Boston tonight along with some friends. The plan is to go see Shrek 3, which was the original drive-in plan, too.

Hopefully we can go to see Pirates at the drive-in next weekend, along with the masses. I imagine it will be crowded as hell.

Based on the weather, the Scottish highland festival is going to feel quite... Scottish. It's supposed to be pretty cool and rainy through early afternoon tomorrow.

Then there's a new Doctor Who episode on BBC One tomorrow night, which I'll probably watch several times before I finally go to sleep.

I have a fanfic to draft up for a ficathon I joined a couple weeks ago. Deadline for the story is July 1st. I have my three prompts to write from. One has me a bit stumped (mostly because I don't want to fall into cliches with Doctor Who fandom that surround the episode particularly mentioned), but as long as I write to fulfill at least one prompt, I'm in good shape. And I'm completely confident with two of them - so I'll start there. Minimum word count is 1,000 words. Not. A. Problem. I may have half of that longhand already, and I'm still in the first scene.

In any case, my goal is to get the draft written by the end of Memorial Day weekend so I can shunt it off to my betas (aka fanfic editors), giving me plenty of time to fine tune it with my betas before the deadline.

Other than that, I have some organizing to do this weekend, some little wedding contact stuff to finish, some big wedding research stuff to do, and a lot of stitching.

All in all, a big weekend. :)

*blinks* So where am I again?

It's been a down-then-up day with wedding stuff.

Down as I panicked with an email from my mother - who informed me that the hotel she wanted to stay at is all booked up (with no rooms currently reserved under her name), and she was confused as to whether she should have been responsible for blocking rooms.

That lead to me writing a very quick and probably inappropriately terse email to my mom, copying Erich on the mess, with my priorities and when I'm planning to do things - along with a note that says "if it's not on my immediate priority list and you want to take it to run with it... go for it. Just tell me you're running with it.")

I'll apologize to my mom tomorrow for coming across too brashly. And not by email - by phone. - with some extra help by buttering her up with flowers for her birthday tomorrow. I can be a shitty daughter at times, and this wedding is undoubtedly bringing out some of my nastiness that I keep in check about 95% of the time.

I've gone off my rant and feel much better after the better part of my wedding day, which was getting the yay!yes! call from my uber-lovely Maid of Honor, who, along with the other two women I hope to have standing by my side (the other two haven't replied yet... as I dropped them a line a bit later), tend to help keep me sane.

The next two big things on the list with the planning are finding a photographer, and getting Erich's kilt order settled. The photographer is something that I'm definitely feeling the pressure to book very, very soon. I've asked Erich to do some thinking about the type of photography he wants for our wedding and the types of keepsakes he wants to have so we can search for a photographer who will provide us with the service we're looking for.

Once the photographer is booked, the only vendors I'll have left to settle are flowers, transportation, and the cake. All of which I'm not quite so concerned about (but want to get settled fairly quickly as well).

The kilt is mostly in Erich's hands, of course, but I want to help him out with figuring out what to get. His mom had wanted him to wear a kilt since he does have a decent Scots heritage - and knows the clan (MacIntosh). And I want him to wear a kilt because I think he looks quite sexy in one. It's also an emotional tie-in with my family. I know from the scant details about my biological parents that my mother was Norwegian, but my father was Scots-Irish. And my adoptive family has some very close ties to Scotland - and to a particular family that became essentially adopted extended family while my grandfather was a radio operator in the U.K. during World War II.

So regardless of the fact that my last name is switching from something Celtic-turned-English to very distinctly German... I'm all up for celebrating the Scottish part of the blended family heritage at this fest. We need something to tone down the Polish. *grin*

So this Saturday we're heading to the Rhode Island Scottish Festival, partially because I do really just want to go to one... but also to get some ideas for his kilt. Should he go all-out formal? Or should we make it a bit more casual? And he needs to get properly fitted, too. Which I suppose I could measure him, but I'd rather find someone who actually knows what they're doing.

Making progress. Continuing to go insane, and having moments of "can I just elope?!?" panic. But I'm getting there.

Items I've recently completed:
- Reserving our officiant. We actually can get married because someone's willing to do the deed. It's one of our friends. My mom semi-jokingly asked if we could "put him in a collar." And while The Reverend Landry has a nice ring to it, um... no.

- Booking a new DJ. My friend T was a lifesaver and gave me the contact for hers from last year. So it's a DJ I've already essentially had a full wedding tryout with, really liked his music and MC skills - and I feel good using him.

- Contacted my maid of honor and bridesmaids to ask them if they'd to me the honor. Melinda's said yes. I'm crossing my fingers on the other two I've asked, and then need to drop a line to my cousins - who already know anyway that they're in the wedding, but I do want to make it official and all.

Ever moving forward...

- Mel.

A trip to the bra store

When did it get to Wednesday? This week is absolutely flying!

As always, I didn't get stuff done that I wanted to complete. BUT... I did make progress, so I'm forgiving myself. Kinda. Maybe.

Friday afternoon I stuck to my plan - I bought the undergarments for the wedding dress. I went to a traditional lingerie shop called Ruth's, located in Rolfe Square in Cranston. Walking down there is like transporting yourself to the sixties - small, locally owned shops. There's the hardware store, the pizza place, the coffee shop, the shoe store, the lingerie store, a former movie theatre now getting some massive reconstruction ... everything side by side on a tree-lined street for convenient pre-strip mall era shopping.

I think I was the youngest person in the lingerie store by about 20 years, although most of the bra styles in there were very cute and modern - lots of spring and summer patterns for the teen set and up. As always, not in my rather... endowed... size (*cough* 44triple, thankye), but I still could admire, and dream, and yet again feel fat.

Anyway, the shop workers were quite kind and helpful. In less than an hour, I was measured, fitted, and set to go with a little pink bag of underwear, and my huge wedding dress garment bag flung over my shoulder.

And as recommended by many people (both recent brides and bridal shop workers), they're functional but oh-so-not-sexy. Unless you're into girdle-style undershorts with weird stitching swirlies on the stomach and butt to help shape things. Ugly. as. sin. I'd never worn a girdle before. And it has those clipy things on the bottom for thigh-high stockings. Absolutely fascinating. Very weird.

But I have to admit, once I tried my dress on over them (squee! for the very first time), it's amazing the difference they make in shape.

And I may have just found a place to go get bras from now on. I may have trouble finding 44DDD's in the normal stores - including Lane Bryant and the Avenue, I might add (since all of their new trendy bras stop at a DD... bastards).

But here I've found a store that had... in stock... a 50H.

Somehow, I don't think I'll have a problem.

Wedding updates and Weekend Wackiness

First off, a very happy birthday to Melinda and Ian. Hope the celebrations are fun. :)

Second, best of luck to my friends Toni and Maria, who are both walking in Sunday's Walk for Hunger. :) You go, girls!

As for me, it'll be a fairly busy weekend. I have some wedding stuff to get caught up on, some stitching stuff that needs to be completed and mailed, and an office that desperately needs to be put together so I can actually work in there.

This is what my weekend's shaping up to be:

Today: Working a half day, leaving just after one. I'm going for the wedding dress bra fitting this afternoon (whee), followed by new work clothes shopping for Erich (who can now dress in jeans, but somehow doesn't own any), stitching shopping for me, and dinner somewhere we can find room.

Tomorrow: To my knowledge, is "Cinco de Mayo y Who," which translates to craftiness, beer and other drinky things, and a massive Doctor Who catchup session for at least one of my sorority sisters.

Sunday: Attacking the Son of Beast, which is my office. Earlier this year, Erich put a fabulous new desk together for me. Now I just need to organize the rest of the furniture in the room, put stuff on shelves, and make it a workable space. If I have time leftover, I'll get outside and get my planters ready for new plants in a couple weeks. (I doubt I'll have time leftover, though).

The wedding planning continues to be a lesson in thumping my head against doorframes. The DJ that we had reserved backed out on is, pulling a ratty move by calling us not on our cell or office phones - or even emailing us, but on our house phone, telling us that he needed to hear from us "by the end of business today" or he'd be taking the alternate client. And of course, we don't get home from work until after 7 - which I'd told him when giving him contact numbers. Asshole. Thankfully, we have our deposit back and the original copy of the contract (which I've ripped up). So we're back to square 1 on the DJ. And I'm very annoyed about the whole thing.

But on the good news front, we now can officially get married. Erich asked one of our friends, Tony, if he would mind being our officiant. Tony was flattered and thrilled - so "Reverend Landry" will be presiding over our ceremony. :)

Flowers, cake, what to do about bridesmaids... all on my plate for the next week and a half. Whee.

I've heard rumors of a mid-70's weather week all week next week.

I'll believe it when I see it. :)

Happy Friday!

Trying to reign things in

The theme for this spring is getting stuff under control. As most of my friends know, I have brief moments of clarity where I'm organized, calm, and on top of things. And then there's the rest of my life- swirling around in chaos because I've been lazy for a week... then two... then three...

You get the idea.

I admit that I do tend to thrive on chaos. If I've solved one stress point in my life, I instinctively try to grasp another one.

This year, I really don't need to look for any new ones. I have plenty of issues to deal with stress-wise. I need to start grabbing at a couple of the minor ones to resolve them so I can focus on the big looming one that starts with "W" which is now just over five months away.

Said "W" planning is going okay. We've reserved the DJ - he played one of our friends' weddings last year, and we loved both his music style and his Master of Ceremonies style. Plus our friends praised him highly. (and the price is quite reasonable). So yay! One more big thing off the list.

Miracle of miracles, I have all of the addresses for our invitees at this point. I have four Save the Dates left to send- those will go out this weekend and I can cross THAT off my list.

On Saturday I'm going to head over to the local lingerie shop to get fitted for whatever contraption of wires and bindings I need for my (cough) "foundation garments." Also known as a long-line strapless bra and goddess knows what other contraptions they'll try to squeeze my body into. As with any clothes-related shopping, I'm a bit insecure about all of this. My awareness of being so overweight screams out at times like this. There's a stupid part of me that is convinced that the shopkeeps will recoil in horror or something. (like I said.. stupid). But honestly, I'm looking forward to getting it done-- partially for the wedding, and partially in the hopes of finding a comfortable, supportive bra for the first time in years.

What I desperately need to reign in is our house. It needs a thorough scrub-down, partially for the yearly incentive that is Spring Cleaning, and partially because it's quickly reaching disgusting proportions (to my mind). With five cats shedding winter coats... it's just... ew. We have boxes of stuff that have come down from Erich's mom's house to sort through which are taking over places in the kitchen, dining room, and living room. Plus I have a ton of magazines & mail to sort through (most of which will be happily making its way to the recycling bin). We're getting seriously clutterfied and just need to beat the piles back down.

I'm hoping to get some serious work done this weekend, since it is a three-day weekend (yay... Patriot's Day!). My big project for the weekend is my office. I finally have a vision for how I want to create the space (to combine both computer stuff and stitching), and I'm excited to get started on it. I just need to get everything out of there so I can start from scratch to place furniture and storage.

The other big project for the weekend is the kitchen - it needs a good scrubdown (especially the floor), but I need to sort the pots and pans and get stuff back into the places they're supposed to be. Over the past year, things have just scattered around the kitchen to available spaces. We have some very nice cookware to bring down from Erich's mom's place (lots of wonderful Le Cruset cast iron), and I need to organize the cabinets to make sure we have room for things. We have stuff to throw out, too - abused old pans from my college years that really are worthless at this point. So with a bit of time and patience, I can whip this kitchen back into shape.

We're not doing everything ourselves, either. Erich has been getting estimates from landscapers this week to get our yard under control. We have a couple of ragged, overgrown evergreen bushes on the sides of the driveway that look ugly and just need to be pulled. Plus there's a arborvitae shrub-turned-tree in front of our house that became a VERY active yellowjacket nest last year that we want to get rid of. Our maple trees need some cleanup- dead branches, branches too close to power lines, etc. And we have a LOT of yard waste due to wind storms. So... thanks to the nice federal refund for owning a house, we're investing in some professional assistance with all of that. That way we can focus on reseeding the grass in the yard (ourselves... and let the rainy forcast help it grow) and planting some flowers to make it all pretty for when everyone shows up in September. :)

Busy busy busy... but it will feel so good to get this stuff done.

Meandering thoughts

Erich's been busy the last week with arrangements and handling his mother's expenses and such- it's been a weird, busy week for him. Calling for mortuary arrangements, calling our lawyer to get the process rolling on her estate. But overall, he's doing... okay. Better than I would expect honestly. I suppose I've been holding my breath for him to break down or something.

I know, I know... guys don't work like that.

In any case, part of me feels like it's wrong trying to just carry on with life as if nothing happened. It's not like it really is that way, of course. But sometimes it feels that way.

In any case, no specific date is set for her memorial service. Erich made arrangements for Debby's body to be cremated. We'll have a small service to spread half of her ashes in Maine, and the other half will be interred in the family plot in Massachusetts. But no dates at this point- I imagine it'll be sometime this spring.

Writing out my Save the Date cards in the middle of this was honestly disturbing. It just felt completely wrong. But they had to be done... because we're now rolling in on six months away. I did them out of guilt and a desire to shut my mother up more than anything.

I know my regular readers will find no surprise in this statement- but any ounce of enjoyment/excitement that I might have had about planning my wedding (read=little) is permanently gone. It's going through the motions at this point. Debby's death is just the final mark of pain in this whole process for me to finally call it quits on the emotional front. Yes, I'm planning it. I'm quite sure I'll enjoy my wedding day, albeit with a bittersweet note. But no, the process leading up it is just going through motions now. Partially because with every ounce of excitement I'd show, it would get smacked down by a fight, or a frustration, or... death. It's all about meeting expectations of family members, and really not about the couple getting married. I'd laugh bitterly at anyone who says otherwise, based upon what I've experienced in two years.

September 23rd can't come fast enough so it's done with. I want to move on with our normal lives, enjoying the growth that comes through being a married couple legally... not just emotionally as we are now. Melinda said it best in an email recently to me (in not these exact words, of course)... that we were married emotionally when the engagement ring went on my finger in that blizzard two years ago.

And the irony is, my relationship with Erich is fantastic through all of this. If anything, I'd say it's getting better. Without going into too many details, sexual frustrations that have plagued our relationship (our one huge problem-- and it was my problem) for the better part of our relationship are going away on their own-- apparently stress at my old job was a HUGE part of those issues.



Yeah... my brain's a little cluttered these days. *sigh*

Lazy weekend

It's been a laid-back weekend, which is good. Erich's fallen ill with the most recent bout of plague. Somehow, I haven't caught it yet. Miracle of miracles.

Meadowbird came over yesterday, and we spent the better portion of the day being lazy, crafting, and watching Not Who. Bad Wolf was on during the day, but other than that... not a single episode. Shocking, I know. That's not to say the day was without Who actors. We watched every episode since January of Heroes (oh, scruffy!Chris...) along with the World of Warcraft episode of South Park, which she hadn't seen (and really is a good one).

Erich was at a D&D game all day yesterday, so even after doing the to Boston and back drive to take Meadowbird home - which got me back to our house at midnight, I knew I had hours before he would get home. I did some writing sketches to work on expanding chapters 2 and 3 of Translating Extraordinary before sinking into bed, throwing Harry Potter into the DVD player, and zonking out sometime after 2.

I didn't hear Erich come home- he said it was around 4:15.

Today started out as a lazy morning stitching. I'm finishing up my work on the UFO RR before I have to mail it off this week. I watched the first two episodes of Blackpool along with Erich. I was surprised that he enjoyed it, although he was a bit disturbed by a couple of the musical numbers. I was slightly disappointed - and jarred - to hear a non-Kenny Roger's version of the Gambler at the beginning of episode 2. I don't think I've EVER heard anyone else sing it, and the original was in the broadcast... so it was just... weird. I suppose some licensing rights didn't translate to DVD.

The rest of the day has passed quietly. I've been doing some laundry, doing some writing. I made my grandma's kielbasa & sauerkraut recipe for dinner. And now I'm enviously reading post-viewing thoughts from Brits on Recovery, which aired tonight on BBC1, while continuing to work on fanfic.

Oh... and a side note of semi-worthwhile news... the cards for our Save the Dates arrived on Friday. We're waiting for the magnet inserts (which were ordered separately), and then we can start sending the things out.

Progress, progress...

Moving on...

Yes, I'm feeling a bit better. Had a calming discussion with Melinda via IM last week. Pounded around a bit. Had my internal temper tantrum. It's out of my system.

No, I haven't talked to my mom yet since. *shrug* Although I have sent her an email to get addresses for save the dates. I'm sure we'll be talking at some point this week, and I'm sure that she'll either 1) pretend like it never happened, or 2) start up again. At which I'll most likely cut her off, tell her enough, and let her know that I'm working on photographers, DJs, and gathering addresses... and if that's not enough for her, then chill out.

My Save the Dates are ordered. (and yes, I will continue to type out Save the Dates instead of abbreviating it, because wedding invites should not sound like sexual diseases).

I'm 99% sure on the people I'd like to ask to be in my wedding party, too. I'm a bit torn on one bridesmaid spot because there are three different people I want standing there. But I have to make a choice. *sigh*

I have a lead on a DJ from a friend's wedding that we really enjoyed this past year. I need to get in contact with him to see what his rates are, his availability, etc. Finding a photographer is the next tricky thing. I have a couple friends who are quite good. One is invited to the wedding, and I'm sure she'll be bringing her camera... but I don't want to impose. The other is so obnoxiously busy (in a very good way) with painting that I also don't want to impose. And I feel somewhat squicky asking a friend to do our photos anyway. I've debated contacting the Rhode Island School of Design (RISD) and research some grad student photographers. Photography is one of those things I honestly am willing to cut costs on. I'm personally very anti-traditional wedding photo. I know a lot of them aren't that way these days and that they do the fantastic "captured moments" style photography for weddings (which is what I want), but most of the ones I'm finding are still way too expensive for what I want to spend.

So slowly... surely... I'm getting stuff done.

Addendum to last entry

You know... I really hate when thoughts come to me early in the day, and I wonder why they're so strong. Fucking foreshadowing. If I didn't know better, I'd say I was psychic.

My mom calls, starts pressing on the wedding, and almost immediately starts switching between "I just want to help you" and jumping all over me because I don't have immediate on-the-spot answers to questions such as "how many rooms do you think we'll need to reserve in a block at the inn." Yet when I try to answer with a "Mom, I have no idea-- that would require asking everyone what their plans are," I get a snippy "that's not what I said..." which turns into an argument, which turns into a bigger argument...

which eventually turns into me hanging up on my mother because I can't put up with any more of the emotional roller coaster where one minute she's insisting she's trying to help and take the stress off of me because I feel so overwhelmed, and in the next breath is getting all pissed off and "hurt" because when I say yes, I'm overwhelmed and here's why... she doesn't like my answer. And then reminds me that she is paying for the wedding and if I just want to have a smaller wedding, I just need to say so and it can just be close family and friends... but she doesn't like my retort of "and who would we cut out, Mom? My friends? Part of your side of the family? Who?"

Following a ten minute crying fit in the fetal position, now I'm pissed off and shaking so much that I'm having to backspace every few letters that I type.

I can't fucking deal with this. If I didn't know that I was in a completely BAD state to make any decisions, I'd be saying to hell with it all, going to city hall, getting the marriage license, not telling anyone - ESPECIALLY my mother - and just get it over with. Followed by saving money to reimburse her for the down payments on the reception site and the caterer and my wedding dress.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

Meandering

I haven't meant to be so quiet in my journal over the past few weeks (or months... or however long it's actually been). I'm a bit annoyed that my journal seems to be evolving into something very meme-tastic with little other substance. Hopefully I can fix that.

That being said... my brain has been on one of its inner-retreat since Christmas, and I've embraced it completely. I made no resolutions this year. I think I finally figured out that putting resolutions to paper meant that I was guaranteed to break them. But somehow, my behavior in 2007 has been wandering down a theme - reclaiming myself.

So my free time has been filled with goofy timewasters:
- Watching the new incarnation of Doctor Who... a lot
- Watching just about anything else I can find with David Tennant in it. (currently the songs from Blackpool are stuck rotating in my head.)
- Filling my iPod with all things video for my commute
- Playing an unusually small amount of World of Warcraft
- Reading fanfic. Lots and lots of fanfic.
- Attempting (and failing) to write fanfic. *sigh*
- Stitching (although that's not exactly a time waster)

Meditating (again.. not exactly a time waster)

Overall, I'm not exactly productive. But that's okay.

Except that I've been slacking... badly... in the wedding planning department. I just am not getting excited about the planning. It's just kinda there, and I know I'll get it done. But I should be excited about planning a wedding, shouldn't I? I mean... I'm now down to less than nine months, and I'm just eh...

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited at the prospect of becoming Erich's wife. I guess I'm just not feeling this whole pomp and circumstance thing.

And it bothers me.

9.23.07

The date is set. The site is reserved. The dress is chosen.

:)


Pardon while I sit at the wall stunned for a few days as this sinks in...

Just tired of it all... (rant)

This entry will most likely border on the TMI for a bit... just for forewarning. If you're not one to tolerate discussions of bodily functions and the annoyances they sometimes cause, forgive this doctor's daughter for an open entry here, and just skip it...

I've been in one of those Oh God the Admin Is Cranky moods today. It started shortly after I arrived at my desk, and has just continued throughout the day. This is thanks to a number of factors, all of which are annoyances on their own, but together add up to just... gah.

Problem One: The Post-Move Stupidity... Again After last summer, I swore if I had to deal with another department move, I'd make sure that it wouldn't de-evolve into chaos again. Last year was pure hell. Sadly, despite everyone claiming that it's been a much smoother move this year, I'm not seeing much of a difference. I've now been back from vacation for a total of four working days. I have yet to have more than a five minute stretch without someone in my office with a complaint or a problem or some random issue that couldn't be solved simply by walking around and FINDING THE SOLUTION (i.e. "where is the fax machine?!?"). And I just can't get a break to get my shit done.

I seriously wonder how some people survive in the world. I wonder how they manage to raise children. Are they just that incapable of trying to find the answer themselves? And why are they so shocked, after seeing (I kid you not) a line five people deep outside my office, that I might actually say "I don't know where the new conference room XYZ is-- I haven't had a chance to leave my desk to walk around yet and find it"?

Add to that the problems that I'm now getting blamed for by my managers that THEY created, and I've just been trying to band-aid to keep myself sane: they take our department's meeting room off the outlook planner at large... well, then Facilities instructs me to manage reservations for the room. And then my managers bitch about the temporary system-- which I clearly said was temporary and would be adjusted upon feedback- system to do said reservations. Why yes, BiggerBoss, it does cause a lot of confusion- not to mention extra email and work for me. "well just put a calendar outside the room for people to sign up for it"-- then just put it back on OUTLOOK, for gods sake! And don't complain that people might think they have to ask permission for supplies if they're in a locked room-- that's what YOU asked Facilities to do! You required the supply cabinets to go into a room which has a door that automatically locks... and also tell me to put a computer in there that's on a roller cart with no way to otherwise secure it.

That scream of pain you hear is me pounding my head into my new office wall. I'm breaking it in, you see.


Problem Two: The Digestive System Since birth, I've been one of those people with an intestinal tract that works on its own schedule, regardless of what really would be ideal. Unfortunately, if I stray too much off of my normal routine and intake of liquids or food, it costs me dearly. Since the Bahamas trip ended, I've been on an every-two-day constipation from hell and then full body cleanout stretch (with all the stomach pains and bathroom trips). I know that it originated from getting dehydrated while I was there, despite all attempts to drink water by large bottlesfull. But last week, I wound up having two nights of really random and short-lived fever spikes as some bug gets through my system. I'm tired of feeling bloated. I'm tired of unproductive trips to the bathroom. I'm really tired of the side effects of Immodium that last for a week after one dose, even if it does help in the short term. And quite honestly, I'm getting really sick of having any thoughts whatsoever about my bowels and the movements therein. I don't feel shitty enough for it to be a case of Montezuma's Revenge. Well... perhaps it is that shitty... but in the literal sense. I have no idea.

But it needs to end. Now.


Problem Three: Wedding Planning The couples are getting married. Everyone's got their dates, their dresses, their sites, etc. Me? Yeah... well... I'll get there.

No change in the planning, other than what could possibly be considered an actual fight with Erich (so rare, it's notable)... all of a sudden last week he was pushing to get this moving and I was (due to the preceding two issues) just NOT in any shape to deal with it and fighting tears as he kept pushing at me until I did the only thing I could to get it OFF of my plate of issues: "well then you call her."

And so he did. And immediately, thanks to both how I felt physically and emotionally, I had a visit to the toilet to puke.

This is where I now am with the stress level of planning my wedding- it's causing me to throw up.

All of a sudden, my mother's changing her tune... oh no, her expectations for the guest list were only "suggestions." Yeah... um... no. They weren't. Any explanations I gave for a small wedding were met with "I want you to do what you want to do for your wedding... BUT..."

The problem with my wedding is that I'm well aware that there's this attitude of "well do whatever the hell you want," but that in reality, the grief I'll get for doing whatever I want is simply not worth it to me. I realize I can't please everyone here. But I'm trying to avoid the blatant issues that, through experience, are GOING to come up.

Add to that my own emotions about just getting it over with and eloping vs. some "where the hell did THAT come from" dream of having a wedding day with everyone around is just tearing me apart. It seems like such a fucking waste of money to spend on one day, but it seems like such a fucking waste to not celebrate what is, quite frankly, probably the last celebration for MY life that involves both sides of my family.

The one good thing I have to say has come out of the discussion between Erich and my mom-- she gave us a budget. Finally. So at least I have THAT to work with, and thankfully that can lead to a lot more leverage in my direction.



So much for feeling happy and relaxed from vacation. I'm already more stressed out than I was before I left.

Another brain dump

I’m swimming in stuff at work, but I need to get some thoughts out of my head because I have this need to blog scribble. Gotta love how the writing bug is deciding to drop in at the wrong time!

Anyway, another round of quick thoughts-

Nothing like seeing Poseidon in a downpour
Erich and I were jonesing to get to the drive-in again, so we picked Saturday night. We invited Purkis and Matt to join us. They thought we were nuts, considering it was raining—fairly steadily – all afternoon. But they came anyway. We saw X-Men 3 and Poseidon in a double feature, Both were pretty good for popcorn flicks, although I personally thought both needed some extra time for character development.

Anyway, I don’t recommend the drive-in in the rain. If for no other reason, it’s really annoying to have to frequently turn the car completely on to run the defroster and the wipers due to the screens fogging up. (and no, they were not fogging up for that reason. Heh.)

Oh, and speaking of the rain... Mother Nature- enough already! Give us a fully dry week, please!

Stitching, stitching, stitching
I plunked my butt on the couch in front of the TV for the better part of eight hours on Sunday and just focused on stitching Apache Wedding Blessing all day. Got a bunch done. If I can devote two four-hour stretches this weekend, I may have that top quarter done as I’d hoped to complete. Gotta love projects that don’t have blended stitches—they actually move faster!

Wedding Stuff
Left a message to schedule my look-see at the farm. Waiting to hear on a confirm time. I hope this place is “it” so I can move forward.

The lingering…
I’m so sick of coughing. Every fucking cold I get. My body needs to get a new post-illness routine going here. I’m just winded enough due to the coughing that my walk from the train to work is making me tired. And that’s not cool, considering it’s only a four block walk. Thanks. I realize I’m fat and out of shape—I don’t need extra reminders making it more hellish for me.

Reading
I finished 1984 for the first time in my life a couple weeks ago. I’ve been digesting it casually now that I’m done. Great book. Depressing as hell. Lots to chew on. And yeah—I appreciate the real-world application of the book so much more. Damn. FYI-- he current book on my nightstand is Foucault’s Pendulum by Umberto Eco. I bought it and In the Name of the Rose earlier this year upon recommendations by the more literary folks at work who insisted that if I wanted something meatier than The DaVinci Code, I needed to check out these books. So far, I definitely agree. I needed to get used to the translated word rhythm, but they are fantastic.

Mmmm… food
I crave my grandma’s pierogi right now. You have no idea how sad that makes me, since I know there is no solution to solving said craving.

Working upon another food craving last night, we headed to Spumoni’s in Pawtucket after we got off the train. Great food. The veal parm is to die for.

Marriage
The fucktards in Washington are trying to put discrimination back into the Constitution. With all of the nation’s more critical problems already solved, they’re going to their election year buzzwords now. The Repubs are in trouble, and they know it. They’ve screwed around for too many years, and now they’re trying to use the buzzwords to save their asses. Hopefully the American public sees through the smokescreen this time, regardless of their stance on the gay marriage issue. This is, as Stephen Colbert aptly described it, rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenberg.


That’s better—off to work.

Quick snippets of life...

I've been trying to work through some actual Meaty Post Topics (tm) to write about, rather than some insubstantial drivel about everyday life... not finding a lot these days, which is why my posts haven't been quite as active lately. While I continue to work through said Meaty Post Topics (tm) (which may or may not have to do with actual meat-as-food), I present the stupid thoughts and not necessarily stupid issues swirling around me right now...


Paul Simon is Stalking Me
I'm not sure if "You Can Call Me Al" is just in the middle of its 20th anniversary resurgence, or what.. but I'm ALWAYS hearing it. The Mobil station down the street from us, without fail, is playing it any time I stop there for gas or coffee. (and not always at the same time of day). It's been on the radio more often recently-- much more often than I expect a song from the 80's to be. And then today, I walk into Citizens Bank in Copley Square to use the ATM, and lo and behold, that eight-note brass opener to the song kicks up.

What's worse, is that I immediately get the mental image of the Boston University pep band's horns all moving in proper rhythm while playing it, and then being amused at the piccolo section desperately trying to sound like a unified section during their solo, rather than a jumble of chirping birds in a hockey arena. My brain has permanently infused College Band into my brain.

Seriously, though... I'm hearing the song everywhere. Did Paul re-release it or something? Is Chevy Chase making a comeback?

It's June, the Switch Has Been Thrown
Gosh, who would have thunk... it's June. Therefore, it must instantly become 10 times more humid. Whee-- my least favorite part of summer has returned.

My Cats are Insane
More often than not, Noby has woken me up around 5-6 a.m. desperate for attention. His usual method is to purr around my head standing on my pillow, do a drive-by face rubbing (making sure to let his lips spread open so I get cat drool on my cheek), and then do a brilliantly fluid flop and melting motion down off the pillow onto my neck. When I start to ignore him, he moves and repeats the motion on Erich. When Erich shoos him, he comes back to me. He also pounces movement on the television screen-- especially as I watch "Deadliest Catch."

Colley is considerably less vocal since his tooth extraction (thankfully). However, his new thing is not to cuddle up to my stomach, but to sleep on and gradually spread over my pillow. If Noby hasn't woken me up, chances are I'll wake up with my head entirely off the pillow because Colley has found a way to spread across it.

Gus, now visibly beyond the craziness of kitten-hood, is chunking up a bit and getting some belly hang-down. His thing is to walk all over Erich while we watch TV, then sit down on Erich's stomach, staring at Erich's face and doing this sniffing thing we've termed "wuffelling" into Erich's goatee. He does this several times an evening. He's very needy.

Fizzy continues to be herself- quiet, shy, demure. Except when another cat tries to play with her or pounce her. She then lets out screams and hisses that sound like she's being ripped to shreds.

Elly, who remains tinier than Fizz (amazingly possible), is in a full-out war to be Alpha Female. She goes from this incredibly cute, quiet mild-mannered plush ball suckling on Erich's shoulder to an extremely aggressive lionness out to get Fizzy. She shocked the hell out of me a few nights ago when she blatantly charged Fizzy on the bed. She also has infatuated Gus. There's simply no other reason to explain how she'll go right up to wherever Gus is sprawled, flop on him, give herself a bath, and then simply get up and walk away, leaving him stunned.

Passport? Moo?
Erich's has arrived. I applied for mine on the same day. It's not here yet. Granted, it hasn't been two weeks (that's tomorrow), but still... I'd really like for it to arrive soonish so I don't have to panic.

Me? Panic? Nah...

So... When Are You Getting Married?
The pressure's on, now that my fellow bride-to-be who was annoyed at the whole planning process has arrived at a date. So yeah... I guess it's time to get this whole thing over with and actually plan something already. *sigh* I'm going to tour a potential site once I firm up a time with the coordinator of the site. We've pared our original off-the-top-of-our-heads list of 100 down to about 65, which is honestly much less daunting to me. But it's still wedding planing... so... yeah.

I Won WoW
Other than playing Myst, Riven, and Exile with massive amounts of help from the tip book, I've never actually "won" a computer game before. But on Monday, I reached level 60 in World of Warcraftcrack. I am a mighty Tauren Hunter! Roar! :)

Of course... while my group of friends gets organized, I'm working on character #2... now at level 14.

Counting toward Vacation
Exactly three weeks to the Bahamas... counting... counting...

Work... beh
I'm so ready to find something new. I could definitely go off on a long rant here, but I won't right now, since I actually do have to work the rest of the afternoon.

Big time wedding blues

I think the weather is completely affecting my mood-- I just am completely pppppbbbbbhhhhtttt about everything these days. It bothers me, too. I want to get things done. I cannot motivate myself to do things. I just don't care. At all.

A lot of this comes from the wedding. Any time I think of it, it just puts a stormcloud over my mood. It shouldn't, but it does. Maybe it's because the last mingled family gathering was my college graduation, and other than at the drink fest after the celebration, I just wasn't happy with everyone there. The entire situation put me on edge the whole time. I've become used to my parents being divorced. Having the two sides of the family together is uncomfortable. It doesn't happen often. And this time around? We have my dad's wife to add to the equation (who I don't care for, and from what I've gathered, neither does my grandmother).

With the little spat between my cousins over being my bridesmaids-- before I've even begun planning the wedding and my mom doing the two step "you need to do what you want.. but oh, I don't think Grandpa (read=her) will be happy with XYZ..." I was completely turned off to the idea.

Yeah... I'm just not wanting to do this. I know I have to. (and yes, I DO have to...) I look at the amount of money to drop on a wedding and just think it's a waste. I'd honestly rather spend the money on getting a new roof on our house or pay someone to strip out the wallpaper. But there's this underlying knowledge that planning a wedding is an obligation for me. If I were to run away and elope, I would never, EVER hear the end of it. My parents still give me shit for crap I did when I was seven, despite my annoyance (and telling them so) to knock it off and move on. Scooting around them on my wedding? Yeah. Lifetime shit-giving.

That, unfortunately, is my current motivation for planning the wedding. I'll suck it up and go through with the ceremony and reception that everyone is expecting me to do. Mainly because other than a private handfasting (read-- with friends only, no family), I just have no clue what I would do. My version of parties still ranges in the somewhat post-collegiate realm. Friends, beer, and bringing platters of munchies. I prefer quietly sitting in the corner, observing and occasionally engaging in conversation when I feel comfortable doing so.

If it weren't so fucking expensive, I'd hire a wedding planner to do the whole damn thing and just show up.

*sigh*