All Things Woompty

Last Wednesday was Stupid Person Day

I know, I know, I totally suck and did not write the promised REALLY FUNNY story that I swore I would tell you. But hey, I was fuckin' tired, okay? Tired as in "Let me sit here and fall asleep in my recliner while watching football, as though I am an OLD MAN." (Side note...I think I just chipped my tooth on a carrot.) But look, now I am using my lunch hour, the only tme all day when I am locked away from the maddening, deafening, whiny asses, to write up this entry. So I do hope you laugh your asses off.

So the other day I am driving home from Day 1 of The Longest Meeting Ever, and since it was close to home, I was driving on one of the busy surface streets that goes into my neighborhood. Now, there's this one spot where the street goes from two lanes to one in the span of about 25 feet, and there were two assholes in front of me who were jockeying for position as they merged into one lane. The Dickless Wonder on the left ended up being cut off by the Ginormous Idiot on the right. Dickless Wonder of course did not appreciate this and proceeded to A) tailgate Ginormous Idiot and then B) cut in front of Ginormous Idiot. mind you, I was directly behind Ginormous Idiot at this time so I was having to put up with their crap and hope they didn't cause an accident because I DID NOT HAVE TIME for police reports and such.

We come to a stop light and next thing you know, Dickless Wonder has gotten OUT OF HIS CAR and walked back to start threatening Ginormous Idiot. And I kid you not, he actually said to the guy "You want a piece of me?" By this time, I was totally pissed because they were now blocking the street and the light had turned green and OH MY GOD, I WAS JUST IN AN 8 HOUR MEETING DON'T FUCK WITH ME. So everyone is honking and Dickless wonder finally goes back to his car and we all start driving and then they started jockeying for position AGAIN! Now I'm REALLY irritated because they were SO STUPID and so when we got to the next stoplight and I was next to Dickless Wonder and behind Ginormous Idiot, I did what any girl in my position would do.

I flipped off Ginormous Idiot and declared (rather loudly) "Fuck you!" then flipped off Dickless Wonder and said "And fuck you!"

Now, last week was really warm around here, so....my window was rolled down, Dickless Wonder's was rolled down, and so the following exchange happened after I flipped him off.

Dickless Wonder: Well he started it!
Me: I don't fucking care! You're both a couple of fucking idiots!
Dickless Wonder: He cut me off though!
Me: I DON'T CARE! You should be glad no one hit you when your dumb ass was in the street!
Dickless Wonder: (as he starts laughing) I know, I know, I'm sorry.
Me: You should be! Your mother would be ashamed of you! (after noticing Ginormous Idiot making "I didn't do anything" motions in his rearview mirror) No, you're a fucking idiot too!!
Dickless Wonder: (completely laughing now) We are, we both are, you're right.

And then I drove home, at which point I had to laugh as I told The Illustrious Boyfriend about how I berated some random guy on the way home and even called out the mama card to scold him.

The best part was when I told my boss the story and he got this look of incredulity on his face when I told him about the "Fuck you, and fuck you!" part. I don't know what it might take to get these guys to realize I really am not as sweet and innocent as I may look.

posted by Melinda @ 1:59 PM