(Let me preface this entire entry by saying I'm looking forward to the day when I get to start calling Kevin my husband...it's what my heart knows him as already, and I absolutely cannot wait to celebrate that with our friends and family.)
I know that things have been rocking along on the wedding planning front for us, and I have a feeling I'm making it look really easy because dude, it has been falling into place pretty well. But despite appearance, there's a lot more to this getting ready for the wedding thing going on than you might think. In between deciding on invitations and prancing around the house with my veil slapped haphazardly on my head, there's been an awful lot of crap percolating in this brain of mine. There's times when the idea of me getting married freaks me RIGHT THE FUCK OUT. It's just....such an adult thing to do. I mean, I can barely be counted on to actually clean the cat box every day, how am I grown up enough to pledge my life to another person? There's times when I ache a little inside when he leaves on a simple errand because there are all these maniacs out there and he might not come back, and that scares me half to death. Loving someone this much is either really brave, really stupid, or really, really lucky.
This summer found me thinking a lot about Todd, for reasons that eluded me for a long time. I wasn't thinking of him with longing or regret; I didn't want to go track him down and have some dramatic reunion or anything but I did want to see him. It was more of an examination of what happened in that relationship, and how things went so terribly wrong. Sometimes I would be driving along and be suddenly gripped by panic because I would remember how I thought I was going to marry Todd and then he left me, left me in horribly cruel display of immaturity and my God, what makes me think that things with Kevin aren't going to end up the same way? How can I be so sure about something as amorphous as love? And in the next second I would remember...Todd and I had too much baggage, too many issues, were too young and din't communicate well, rushed in where we should have gone slow, and in the end, were just too different to be compatible. Kevin is not Todd, and my relationship with him is 180 degress from the one I had with Todd. Kevin and I talk about things, we get mad at each other, we laugh together, we're a team and not a couple. I still don't know why I wanted to see Todd; maybe so that I can close that door with an emphatic "I'm just fine". Or maybe it's to thank him, for breaking up with me at the exact right time for me to be ready to meet the man I was meant to be with.
The other thing that's affecting me more than I've let myself admit (even to myself) is all the strange family dynamics I've got going on. My father won't be there; he won't even know that his only child is getting married. That's not the missing family that bothers me the most though. My maternal grandparents, who were such a big part of my childhood, will not be there. Yet another major milestone in my life without them, and this one hurts. My grandmother would have loved Kevin. She would have laughed at his jokes and planted big lipsticky kisses on his cheek and she probably would have crocheted him a blanket. My grandfather would have watched baseball with Kevin, and discussed stats endlessly, I'm sure. My heart just breaks a little to know that they won't be there, and I know my mom's going to be feeling the same way.
And don't get me started on the significance of changing my name (which yes, I will be doing), the importance of the ritual that will be our wedding ceremony, and my mother's fear that I will go tumbling down the staircase rather than making a graceful entrance. Or hey, how about that guilt I have niggling in the back of my brain over the fact that I can get married but The Moms can't? Yeah, that's a fun one to play with!
I'm beginning to think that all these little side things, the favors and the cocktail napkins and the cake and the seating charts and the DJs and the centerpieces, were all made important not by the wedding industry but by brides who needed something to distract them from all these scary parts of getting married. Marriage is like all those other big life changes (e.g. changing careers, moving out of state, having a baby, buying a house, etc): exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time. And during the prep for it, you wander around in a zombie-like daze of happiness and terror. I think that's the real reason I keep saying "I wish the wedding was tomorrow!" I just want to get on with it already, because the good stuff's on the other side.
(That, and I really want to wear that dress while dancing to "Dancing Queen" with all my friends.)
I know that things have been rocking along on the wedding planning front for us, and I have a feeling I'm making it look really easy because dude, it has been falling into place pretty well. But despite appearance, there's a lot more to this getting ready for the wedding thing going on than you might think. In between deciding on invitations and prancing around the house with my veil slapped haphazardly on my head, there's been an awful lot of crap percolating in this brain of mine. There's times when the idea of me getting married freaks me RIGHT THE FUCK OUT. It's just....such an adult thing to do. I mean, I can barely be counted on to actually clean the cat box every day, how am I grown up enough to pledge my life to another person? There's times when I ache a little inside when he leaves on a simple errand because there are all these maniacs out there and he might not come back, and that scares me half to death. Loving someone this much is either really brave, really stupid, or really, really lucky.
This summer found me thinking a lot about Todd, for reasons that eluded me for a long time. I wasn't thinking of him with longing or regret; I didn't want to go track him down and have some dramatic reunion or anything but I did want to see him. It was more of an examination of what happened in that relationship, and how things went so terribly wrong. Sometimes I would be driving along and be suddenly gripped by panic because I would remember how I thought I was going to marry Todd and then he left me, left me in horribly cruel display of immaturity and my God, what makes me think that things with Kevin aren't going to end up the same way? How can I be so sure about something as amorphous as love? And in the next second I would remember...Todd and I had too much baggage, too many issues, were too young and din't communicate well, rushed in where we should have gone slow, and in the end, were just too different to be compatible. Kevin is not Todd, and my relationship with him is 180 degress from the one I had with Todd. Kevin and I talk about things, we get mad at each other, we laugh together, we're a team and not a couple. I still don't know why I wanted to see Todd; maybe so that I can close that door with an emphatic "I'm just fine". Or maybe it's to thank him, for breaking up with me at the exact right time for me to be ready to meet the man I was meant to be with.
The other thing that's affecting me more than I've let myself admit (even to myself) is all the strange family dynamics I've got going on. My father won't be there; he won't even know that his only child is getting married. That's not the missing family that bothers me the most though. My maternal grandparents, who were such a big part of my childhood, will not be there. Yet another major milestone in my life without them, and this one hurts. My grandmother would have loved Kevin. She would have laughed at his jokes and planted big lipsticky kisses on his cheek and she probably would have crocheted him a blanket. My grandfather would have watched baseball with Kevin, and discussed stats endlessly, I'm sure. My heart just breaks a little to know that they won't be there, and I know my mom's going to be feeling the same way.
And don't get me started on the significance of changing my name (which yes, I will be doing), the importance of the ritual that will be our wedding ceremony, and my mother's fear that I will go tumbling down the staircase rather than making a graceful entrance. Or hey, how about that guilt I have niggling in the back of my brain over the fact that I can get married but The Moms can't? Yeah, that's a fun one to play with!
I'm beginning to think that all these little side things, the favors and the cocktail napkins and the cake and the seating charts and the DJs and the centerpieces, were all made important not by the wedding industry but by brides who needed something to distract them from all these scary parts of getting married. Marriage is like all those other big life changes (e.g. changing careers, moving out of state, having a baby, buying a house, etc): exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time. And during the prep for it, you wander around in a zombie-like daze of happiness and terror. I think that's the real reason I keep saying "I wish the wedding was tomorrow!" I just want to get on with it already, because the good stuff's on the other side.
(That, and I really want to wear that dress while dancing to "Dancing Queen" with all my friends.)
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