All Things Woompty

Kevin + Melinda = Tru Luv 4Eva

Today is our six month anniversary. We celebrated by laying around the house and going bowling. We are true party animals.

So many people have said that the first year of marriage is hard, that being mnarried is so much different from just living together. I don't think I believe them. Maybe it's because Kevin and I wouldn't have even bothered getting engaged if we weren't sure that this was it, that we were through looking and we were going to be together for the proverbial forever and ever, amen. You know what was hard? The last 4-6 months before the wedding were hard.

They were hard because we spent a lot of time talking, analyzing the bits of each other that bugged us so we could figure out what we were going to have to change and what we were going to agree to put up with. It's kind of amazing, the things that you suddenly realize could become a deal breaker when you imagine putting up with it for the rest of your life. But it allowed us to go into our wedding day with our eyes wide open, ready to face just about anything as a team and totally sure that we could make it through intact.

And man alive, this year has tried to test us. Let me recap:

Kevin lost his job. We got married. We came home, and my car basically imploded and we had to pay a gajillion dollars to fix it. Kevin got a job. My job started getting crazy. Kevin's job got stupid, and then he got laid off. But then he got a job, and my job kept getting more stupidly stressful. JM's dad died, and now....my boss is leaving. Ahem.

My job's not in jeopardy, so I'm not worried about that aspect. What I am worried about is the general chaos that is sure to follow in the wake of his departure. And the only reason I'm worried is because I have a pretty tenuous grasp on my sanity these days.

Kevin and I have always been open with each other about the fact that both of us have suffered from some depressive episodes in the past. I told him once that I would not be surprised if were to end up having to go back onto anti-depressants again. And I'm pretty sure that day is here because the me that Kevin has been living with is not the real me. I spend my days with my mind running a million miles a minute, swooping between laughing at simple jokes and snapping the heads off of anyone who manages to cross my path at the wrong moment. I want to do nothing more than sleep through the night but instead I'm haunted by weird dreams and I wake up every 2 hours despite my best efforts. Food in general bores me and nothingsounds extraordinarily tasty but despite that fact, I can't stop eating whatever is in front of me.

When I'm not cranky, I'm sad. when I'm not sad, I'm achy. (Depression hurts! They said so!) And when I'm not achy, I'm lethargic.

What I'm saying is that it's hard to make it through my days right now, and I feel incredibly badly that a quarter of our first year of marriage has been marked by my downward slide. I feel badly about withdrawing from my friends and not calling people back and being a cranky bitch at work, but mostly I feel badly about inflicting the mood swings and sadness and anxiety on my husband day after day because I didn't want our first year to be remembered as the year I got depressed all over again. But it's hard to spend the year in newlywed bliss when it takes most of your effort to be normal enough to keep on surviving in the day to day world.

Kevin does his best to bring me some beautiful spots of hilarity and love and safety in the midst of all of this, and that is what I'm going to do my best to remember about my first year as Mrs.

He's not a saint, that husband of mine. But he's pretty dang perfect for me.

posted by Melinda @ 10:17 PM